Relationships & Personality Disorders: Part 4

“The closest term to sociopath is Antisocial Personality Disorder. The criteria for diagnosis include impairments in self-esteem, self-direction, empathy, intimacy, plus the use of manipulation and deceit, and the presence of hostility, callousness, irresponsibility, impulsivity, and a lack of concern for one’s limitations: risk-taking.” ― A.J. Rich, The Hand That Feeds You

Welcome Back! This is part 4 of Relationships & Personality Disorders series. Previous articles available on this website.  

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

Interacting with someone who has Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) can present significant challenges, primarily because of their tendency toward manipulative, deceitful, and sometimes exploitative behaviour. These individuals often lack empathy and have difficulty forming genuine emotional connections. They may violate social norms, disregard the feelings of others, and show little remorse for their actions. This can make them difficult to trust, as they may engage in reckless, impulsive behaviours without considering the consequences for others. The disorder is also associated with a high propensity for legal trouble, as individuals may have a history of criminal activity or rule-breaking, complicating relationships further. Because people with this mental health condition often manipulate situations to their advantage, engaging with them can lead to feeling exploited or emotionally drained. Referred to sometimes as sociopaths, they are individuals who generally have a disregard for the rights of others or the accepted rules of society. They tend to lie, be aggressive, disregard safety, violate the law, and have a lack of empathy or remorse and are willing to use deception or manipulation to get whatever they want, such as power or money. They frequently portray themselves as charismatic or charming. Sociopaths often use mind games to control friends, relatives, co-workers, and even strangers and may con others, use aliases, or steal to achieve their desires. While some can be convicted criminals, they can also be active in politics, business, or religious organisations or hold positions of authority within their communities. It is important to note that not all narcissists are sociopathic, but all sociopaths often have strong narcissistic traits. Characteristics include:

• Lying and using false identities or nicknames that can be used to deceive others
• Exploits others for personal gain.
• Often behaves without thinking of the consequences.
• Can become highly aggravated or aggressive.
• Fails to consider their own safety or the safety of others.
• Does not feel guilt or remorse for having harmed or mistreated others.
• Uses humour, intelligence, or charisma to manipulate others.

They often have a strong sense of superiority and strong opinions, and they try to control others by scaring them. Keeping a regular job can also be difficult because parts of their personalities often cause problems with co-workers. They are also prone to engaging in criminal activity, frequently con artists, and can repeatedly be in legal trouble, demonstrating extremely poor judgement and failing to learn from their experiences while displaying unresponsiveness in their interpersonal associations, generally unable to maintain positive friendships or associations. Their sexual experiences are highly detached, trivial, and poorly integrated, with untruthfulness and insincerity being constant features. Lacking any feelings of empathy or remorse, they can invest a great deal of effort and resources in seeking to keep their abusive past a secret, and there is a real possibility they may seek to physically harm anyone who tries to expose them. These individuals are also likely to seek revenge, even by using violence, in retribution for any perceived grievances or betrayals in various areas of their lives. A sociopath will repeatedly demand loyalty but fail to be loyal to others, revealing their extreme selfishness.

Dating

“There are only two kinds of people in this world; those who have a conscience and those who do not.” ― P. A. Speers, Type 1 Sociopath – When Difficult People Are More Than Just Difficult People

When dating or getting to know someone with suspected ASPD, certain red flags may indicate the disorder, including:

• Repeated dishonesty or habitual lying, often for self-gain or without apparent reason.
• A history of legal issues or criminal behaviour, often downplayed or blamed on others.
• Lack of remorse or guilt after hurting someone or breaking societal rules.
• Manipulative tendencies, such as charming someone into doing things against their will.
• Emotional shallowness, where deep emotions seem faked or overly dramatic but lack true depth.

For someone in an intimate or romantic relationship with someone who has ASPD, there are several recommendations to consider:

• Set clear and firm boundaries. People with ASPD tend to push boundaries, so maintaining a strong sense of what is acceptable behaviour is crucial.
• Be cautious about trust. Due to tendencies toward manipulation and deceit, trust needs to be earned over time and not given freely.
• Avoid enabling or excusing harmful behaviour. Individuals with ASPD may try to shift the blame or justify harmful actions, but it’s important not to excuse this behaviour.
• Consider professional help, such as individual therapy, to better understand the dynamics of the relationship and to seek guidance on managing it.
• Evaluate the potential for long-term happiness and safety, as relationships with individuals who exhibit severe ASPD traits can often become unsustainable or emotionally harmful.

These individuals are not easy to identify and can appear quite normal and very appealing in the beginning. They are expert con artists, and it can be very easy to be targeted and fall into their clutches. Once they achieve their objectives, he or she can become extremely cruel or manipulative or just suddenly disappear. Red Flags include:

• Superficially charming and charismatic.
• Extremely controlling.
• Volatile mood swings
• Prey on the target’s positive qualities.
• Refuses to take any responsibility for the mistreatment of others or any criminal acts.
• Do not appear to have many friends or close relationships.
• Constantly creating problems, chaos, or a crisis but expecting their dating partner to resolve them.
• Can show contempt and cruelty to the person he or she is dating.

Engaging in continuous compliments tends to be their strategy; they often know what to say to create a favourable impression.  This is just a ploy to lure others into the web of smoke and mirrors, as they have very little concern for the feelings of others. When they fail to successfully exploit someone, extreme manipulation can be used to achieve their objectives. Individuals targeted often blame themselves for becoming involved, but perpetrators are usually very efficient at various brainwashing techniques. Their superficial charm is usually the means by which he or she conditions others, and this diverts attention from the deeply disturbing aspects of their personality. When dating or romantically involved, they frequently provide the bare minimum of genuine information about themselves.

Already Involved 

“We do not have to be mental health professionals to identify the traits of the possible sociopaths among us.” – P.A. Speers, Type 1 Sociopath: When Difficult People Are More Than Just Difficult People

Relationships with individuals who have ASPD are often marked by emotional strain, manipulation, and difficulty forming genuine connections. Being mindful of red flags early on can help individuals avoid unhealthy dynamics. If a person is already involved, it will be crucial to establish strong boundaries and safeguard their emotional well-being. If you are already involved with a sociopath (or have been in the past), you are probably aware of the variety of manipulative strategies they use against their victims. While capable of providing occasional positive attention, he or she can suddenly withdraw, which is usually an attempt at manipulation. This can be very unsettling and confusing for their partner. When involved in romantic connections, they can be very deceptive, possibly cheating with multiple partners. When they cannot obtain what they desire, ruthless manipulation and cruelty become normal practices; the fake charm is turned off, and the true personality behind the mask emerges. The combination of outrageous lies and manipulation wreaks havoc in all of their personal interactions, and many sociopaths destroy the personal lives of others without any feelings of guilt, shame, or remorse. They can persuade ex-partners to stay in touch if this serves some type of benefit for him or her; status, information, money, or sex can all be motivating factors.

Therapy and support networks can be essential in navigating these relationships, but ultimately, recognising the limitations of the union and prioritising personal well-being should be the main priority. It can be very emotionally taxing to be with someone who lacks empathy, so it’s important to engage in self-care and seek support from friends or a therapist if necessary. This mental condition can be extremely difficult to treat, and many of them rarely seek treatment; talk therapy can be useful, which may include anger and violence management or substance abuse treatment. The only sensible strategy for the partner of a Sociopath is to plan an exit strategy as soon as possible because the situation is very unlikely to improve significantly.

(C) Nigel Beckles