Friendship Red Flags

“What a desperate, pathetic fool I was. Time after time, my “friends” had shown me their true colours. Yet, I still wanted to believe they were sorry for causing me pain.” – Jodee Blanco, Please Stop Laughing at Me. One Woman’s Inspirational Story

Warning Signs

Managing friendships can be a complicated process that is influenced by a number of different factors , including personality, ideals, and life circumstances. While it’s vital to keep an open mind and provide people the chance to establish a sincere relationship, there are some people that should never be considered when establishing or sustaining a friendship. Character types to stay away from include:

Extremely Harmful or Toxic

These people are the ones who always bring drama, negativity, or poison into your life. They could be an energy drain, a continual source of criticism, or the source of needless arguments.

Controlling or Manipulative

Individuals that attempt to control or manipulate you for their personal gain. To get their way, they might employ strategies like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or coercion, and they might not have your best interests in mind.

Not Trustworthy or Consistent

Those who repeatedly abandon arrangements, break promises, or fail to follow through on their obligations. Developing a friendship with an untrustworthy person might cause disappointment and anger.

Judgmental or Close-Minded

People who are quickly to judge or criticise others without taking into account alternative viewpoints are considered judgmental or closed-minded. They are often cannot be open to hearing different points of view or be intolerant of diversity.

Competitive, Envious or Jealous

These types of people may feel intimidated by your achievements and see friendships as contests. To stroke their own ego, they could try to outdo you or downplay your accomplishments.

Deceitful or Dishonest

It is very challenging to establish a true and sincere friendship with these types because they lack integrity and honesty in their dealings and may lie, distort the truth, or violate your confidence.

Self-Centered or Narcissistic

Will brutally put their own demands and wants ahead of other people’s. They typically just pretend to be engaged in friendships that profit them in some manner, and they frequently lack empathy or care for the feelings of others.

Feelings vs Facts  

“Just as thoughts are not facts, feelings are not facts either. Emotions are information, but when that information is powerful, intense, and loud, as emotions can be, then we are more vulnerable to believing in them as a true reflection of what is going on. I feel it; therefore, it must be a fact. Emotional reasoning is a thought bias that leads us to use what we feel as evidence for something to be true, even when there might be plenty of evidence to suggest otherwise.” ― Julie Smith, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

In today’s world, many people believe feelings or emotions are more significant than real, verifiable facts. Our perceptions, choices, and actions are greatly influenced by our emotions, which also frequently affects how we perceive and react to information. Due to the influence of “Cognitive Biases,” which refers to mental shortcuts or thought processes that can result in errors in judgement and decision-making, there are individuals who prioritise their emotions over the facts. Strong or deeply ingrained emotions have the potential to magnify Confirmation Bias, which causes people to prioritise information that supports their feelings above that which contradicts objective facts. When people feel strong emotions like fear, anger, or love, they may emphasise acting in a way that is consistent with their emotional state over acting rationally or based on factual data. This is because emotions can be extremely effective motivators for conduct. For instance, even though statistics indicate that flying is a safe form of transportation, a person who has a severe fear of flying could prioritise avoiding it. A person’s sense of self can become intricately entwined with emotionally charged beliefs or ideals, causing them to give precedence to their emotional attachments above objective facts. For example, a person who has a strong belief in a specific political ideology while considering a particular topic could put their emotional allegiance towards their political organisation ahead of factual accuracy while ignoring the facts of the matter.

How does all of this connect to the subject of friendships? There is a widespread misperception about how important it is to maintain friendships made in in formative years. This is one of the classic pitfalls people fall victim to when one person’s values change or diverge towards a negative path concerning their values or worldview but the other person ignores the obvious evidence that their friendship is no longer viable, often due to feelings of loyalty. Long-term relationships are of course valuable, but we must recognise that people and dynamics change all the time, so we should be willing to let go of any connections that are no longer beneficial to us. Since one individual cannot satisfy every friend’s requirement, it might be quite sensible to be more accommodating when it comes to making new social connections. Individual variations in emotional intelligence and emotional regulation must be taken into account and greater emotional intelligence may enable some people to better comprehend and control their emotions in regard to processing factual information regardless of their personal feelings.

It is crucial to remember that everyone has the capacity for development and change, so a balanced approach to each possible new friendship with a clear awareness of your own boundaries. A current friendship should be terminated if any Red Flags have been identified. To preserve your personal limits, you may need to have direct and frank conversation. Remember, those you may frequently regard as your friends are the ones that may also betray you, not those you think of as adversaries. My policy is to put aside my personal feelings, especially loyalty, and just look at the facts about the other person’s actions from an objective perspective.

(c) Nigel Beckles

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