Maintaining a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship requires effort and dedication from both partners. In a world where relationships can often be taken for granted, it’s important to make the effort to keep the spark alive and ensure a happy and long-lasting partnership. Here are some tips to help you maintain a healthy romantic relationship: Communication: Good communication is essential for any healthy relationship. Regularly making time to talk with your partner, listen actively, and express your thoughts and feelings can help to avoid misunderstandings and resolve conflicts. Quality Time: Spending quality time together is a crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship. Set aside time each week to do something you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking a meal together, watching a movie, or taking a walk in the park. The key is to make sure you have time to connect and enjoy each other’s company.

Appreciation: Regularly expressing your love and appreciation for your partner can go a long way towards maintaining a healthy relationship. Acknowledge and appreciate their efforts and show them that you truly care. This can help to build a strong emotional bond between you.

Empathy: This basically means a person has the capacity to understand what another individual may be feeling. Practicing empathy in your relationship means trying to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with them. This can help reduce conflicts and increase understanding and compassion between partners.

Support: A healthy relationship requires mutual support and understanding. Be there for each other through good times and bad, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Supporting each other through life’s challenges can help to strengthen your relationship and create a deep bond between partners.

Independence: Maintaining a healthy relationship also means respecting each other’s independence. Encouraging each other to pursue personal interests, hobbies, and time with friends can help to avoid feeling suffocated or trapped in the relationship.

Healthy Conflicts: Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, but it’s important to address them in a healthy and constructive manner. Avoid blaming or attacking your partner, and instead, listen to each other’s point of view and try to find a solution that works for both of you. This can help to increase trust and understanding in the relationship.

Keep the Spark Alive: Keeping the spark alive in a relationship requires effort and creativity. Try new things together, go on a romantic getaway, or surprise each other with thoughtful gestures. Keeping the romance alive will help to keep your relationship strong and healthy.

Seek Professional Help: If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Couples therapy can help you work through challenges and improve communication and understanding.

Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship requires effort, dedication, and a willingness to work together. By following these tips and making a conscious effort to prioritize your relationship, you can build a strong and fulfilling partnership that lasts a lifetime.

© Nigel Beckles 2023

 “Entitlement and the rage that comes with it are tip-offs to the arrest in healthy development that is narcissism.” – Sandy Hotchkiss, Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism

Narcissists spend their whole lives constructing a false identity and persona. In their inner world of imagination, they portray themselves as kings and queens ruling over everyone and everything. This is also exactly how they wish to be perceived by the other people in their lives. They crave approval and recognition (which is converted into Narcissistic Supply) but when others fail to quickly acknowledge his or her projected image of greatness, they feel deeply wounded and attacked. The false persona is supported primarily by various forms of Narcissistic Supply which is what keeps them functioning and provides the fuel used to bridge the gap between the inner world constructed by their imagination and actual reality. Narcissists believe wholeheartedly they deserve unreserved respect and special treatment, relentlessly demanding ‘proof’ they are indeed exceptional, but deep down inside they are consumed with many doubts and even self-hatred.

The false persona is supported primarily by various forms of Narcissistic Supply which is what keeps them functioning and provides the fuel used to bridge the gap between the inner world constructed by their imagination and actual reality. Narcissists believe wholeheartedly they deserve unreserved respect and special treatment, relentlessly demanding ‘proof’ they are indeed exceptional, but deep down inside they are consumed with many doubts and even self-hatred. This is the very reason they invented a false persona in the first place, seeking to escape their true selves, which have been buried within but are still very much alive. When they begin to fail, the Narcissist regresses into a childlike emotional state, resembling a youngster who has lost their favourite toy to play with. If they are unable to obtain adequate or satisfactory Narcissistic Supply to help boost their feelings of self-worth and self-esteem, it feels as if they have been denied the very thing that allows them to exist. Sometimes they feel deflated, devalued, worthless, and at other times omnipotent, invincible, and unique.

They can begin to live in a self-imposed emotional prison, trying to save face and avoid scrutiny after they have dramatically fallen from their perceived position of invincibility. At this point, he or she begins to project their self-hatred onto everyone else around them, throwing juvenile temper-tantrums, expressing complete intolerance for the opinions of others,  being disrespectful, and verbally attacking other people. They will bitterly complain or erupt in rage, attempting to feel better about themselves. The Narcissist will venomously blame everything and everyone instead of taking responsibility, have zero empathy or sympathy regarding how their behaviour is damaging others, and often feel they have absolutely nothing to lose. While collapsing in on themselves, they must believe they are a blameless ‘victim’; in this frantic state, it is quite possible they will abuse others verbally, emotionally, or physically, indulge in cheating on their partner multiple times, or mistreat any children who may be involved. This state of mind can also pose a real physical danger to the other people in their lives.

As the collapse intensifies, the Narcissist begins to withdraw mentally into a life of fantasy where their precious narcissistic supply is limitless while isolating themselves, seeking to avoid feeling ashamed. The façade is unraveling, which makes them feel extremely vulnerable as their extremely fragile self-esteem compulsively begins a process of self-devaluation and severe doubt. The fake façade of a nice, reasonable, and friendly person completely disappears, and the true ugly, deeply wounded, distorted personality begins to be exposed. This often happens when reality begins to seriously encroach on the fantasy world they have very carefully crafted to impress others. They can begin thrashing around mentally, desperately seeking to rediscover their precious Narcissistic Supply so they can bolster their fragile feelings of self-esteem. When a Narcissist loses their supply, they are like a drug addict not having access to their next drug fix. The detox process can begin gradually then abruptly accelerate; the collapsing internal state occurs when they are unable, for whatever reason, to obtain something they desperately desire. Alternatively, their constructed fake world has been seriously threatened by reality, and if there isn’t a possibility of saving their image, eventually they will become unhinged.

Usual Reactions During the Narcissistic Collapse

• Irritability
• Confusion
• Fear of abandonment
• Intense feelings of jealousy and envy
• Anger & Rage
• Imagined Conspiracies
• Mania
• Paranoia
• Persecution Complex
• Psychotic episodes, delusions, or disconnection from reality
• Possibility of self-harm
• Depression
• Deranged
• Nervous Breakdown

The self-created delusions are invented to produce a make believe personal world that is less threatening and more acceptable to their brittle egos. They frequently live according to individualised versions of the “truth.” Extreme intellectual distortions and often rigid subconscious defensive tactics change his or her perceptions of actual experiences, behaviors, and events while they forcefully proclaim justifications for their toxic behaviour. Despite their apparent arrogance, the fiction the Narcissist has constructed about themselves is very fragile, and when the facade begins to crumble, their true nature is exposed as they become psychotic, paranoid, terrified, hysterical, needy, childish, and delusional. The Narcissistic Collapse represents the terrifying loss of a constructed and delusional identity. The fiction the Narcissist has constructed about themselves is very fragile, and when the façade is beginning to crumble, their true nature is exposed as they become psychotic, paranoid, terrified, hysterical, needy, childish, and delusional. They can also be very dangerous.

(c) Nigel Beckles

Book Extract: Exposing the Narcissist

Due for publication 2023.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it.” ― Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

Perhaps the biggest myth about men is we don’t feel or have any great emotional depth, but studies have revealed men often experience exactly the same emotions as women, but how they express themselves is often very different. The emotional lives of men can usually be just as deep, rich, and complicated as those of women, but these feelings can often be difficult for men to process and understand. Women tend to be more in touch with their emotions, while for many men, emotional issues are kept firmly in the background of their lives.

Inside the Male Brain

The majority of researchers agree that the biological difference between genders doesn’t really explain why men and women are so different when it comes to expressing their emotions. According to David Powell, PhD, president of the “International Center for Health Concerns,” men and women are biologically hardwired differently. According to Powell, the connection between the logical left brain and the centre of emotions on the right side is stronger in women than men. This means women can access their emotions much more easily, while men often struggle to connect with their feelings. 125 studies of men and boys from a variety of cultures found males were consistently less accurate compared to women when it came to interpreting body language such as facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.

The apparent lack of emotion in men can be explained by the extent of social experiences men encounter during childhood that often inhibit emotional expression. Men and women are socialised very differently during childhood, and for males, this often means learning to repress emotional expression. Because parents tend to talk less about feelings with their sons, they are less exposed to emotionally oriented conversations and discouraged from verbally expressing their emotions during their early years.They’re usually conditioned to be tough, fearless, and to ‘man up’ while constantly being told “big boys don’t cry.” These experiences often result in young males growing into emotionally repressed men who use far fewer words to express their feelings when speaking in public or tend to use their speech to assert their dominance in certain situations. Young  boys who are encouraged by their parents to be “tough” and express anger or even rage when their personal possessions or status are threatened can grow into men who express their anger inappropriately. Psychologist Kenneth W. Christian, PhD, author of ‘Your Own Worst Enemy’ believes male rage begins with feelings of frustration caused by cutting off their emotions. Many men decide to repress their feelings, but of course emotions don’t just disappear when they are ignored or repressed and eventually have to be expressed, either through physical symptoms, illness, or explosions of rage.

The Truth About Men    

• Can have general difficulties in expressing emotions.
• Tendency to exert greater control when expressing emotions.
• Spend more time mulling over negative emotions.
• Much less inclined to share emotions with others.
• Express certain emotions with less intensity.
• Use language with significantly less emotional content.
• Behavior generally appears less affected by expressions of emotion.
• More likely to keep negative feelings to themselves.
• Inclined to express emotions that demonstrate power or control, e.g., anger, jealousy, or pride.

Women have often been labelled by men as being ‘too emotional,” but in an analysis of the emotional intelligence of 500,000 adults, men measured the same level of emotional awareness as women. However, men tend to react less intensely to emotions and also forget their feelings much more quickly. In an experiment at Stanford University, photographs of upsetting images were shown to a sample group of men and women. Three weeks later, the women remembered a greater amount of detail about the pictures than the men, leaving the researchers to speculate that this may be the reason why a woman may continue stewing over something she has found upsetting that her partner has probably forgotten about!

Women generally speak to communicate their feelings or to establish closer friendships, while men have general conversations exchanging information regarding sports, cars, or even computers. Men rarely share conversations about their emotions and what they’re actually feeling; if you ask a man what he is feeling, he will probably respond by telling you what he is thinking. Generally, men are very efficient at intellectualising and compartmentalising their emotions.

Psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, co-author of ‘The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship’ believes when men are sharing conversations, they are careful about what they may say for fear of humiliation or causing offense. This approach results in many men believing it is easier and much safer to stick to ‘safe’ topics or to speak only when there is a low risk of looking silly. Goulston suggests men secretly fear they lack competence, courage and may not be as manly as they should be. There are certain social expectations regarding what a real man should be and do, and when men feel things are going wrong or begin to feel powerless, they shut down and withdraw. Most men try hard not to reveal any vulnerability in front of their male peers or in their relationships, and they often feel far more insecure than they’re prepared to admit to themselves, their male friends, or even their partners.

As gender roles and rules have become less defined, there are men who are prepared to reveal the softer side of their personalities, but there are others who remain confused about how much they should really share. Women often expect a man to perform incredible emotional gymnastics; men are often expected to be strong, solid and dependable while at the same time being emotionally open and available. These widely different expectations can cause confusion for many men who have not been generally socialised to manage or express their deeper emotions or who lack role models to teach them how to be appropriately strong and emotional.     

It is worth remembering that men who work hard at trying to hide their emotions may in fact be the most emotionally sensitive. A variety of studies have also revealed that men often suffer more deeply emotionally than women when they go through a divorce. The experience reluctantly pushes men to explore themselves and emotional territory previously resisted or ignored. For some men, learning how to handle their emotions instead of avoiding them has provided many benefits, including exploring and connecting with their emotions and discovering new inner dimensions. This process provides the foundation for greater expressions of honesty and emotional intimacy for men who may be scared of showing their emotions or may not even know how to. For a man to learn new ways of relating to himself and others usually takes time and practice but eventually it does get easier and often results in a man feeling happier within himself.

Book Extract: How to Avoid the BIG Relationships Mistakes!

© Nigel Beckles 2015

“For a Control Freak, love and the desire to control others are synonymous. Once they lose control over the object of their desire, hostility takes over in full force.”  – Natalya Vorobyova, Author

It’s quite natural to want to be in control of your own life, but a person who constantly seeks to dictate how other people do things has a serious problem. They develop this habit during childhood; a child who grows up excessively controlled by their parent(s) can feel powerless, helpless or vulnerable and may become an adult who believes it’s wrong to be ‘out of control’. Due to this, they excessively seek to ‘be in control’ all the time. When there is a compulsive need to control others or the immediate environment this can be motivated by the fear of being controlled.

The need to dictate control can sometimes be triggered by a situation that reminds a person of feeling controlled or helpless in the past. This then creates a compulsive reaction to prevent a repeat of the incident or an unwanted experience; the result is a control defence strategy that can be appropriate in certain circumstances but, when taken to extremes, produces dysfunctional and destructive behaviour. The Control Freak can be insidious and very subtle so it can be difficult to identify the early warning signs.

This exaggerated emphasis on seeking complete control causes a number of the following attitudes and behaviours:

• Fears flaws will be exposed

• The inability to trust others

• Perfectionism

• Orderliness

• Workaholic tendencies

• Inability to make firm commitments 

• Rigid thinking and difficulty compromising

Controlling behaviour is often an anxiety management tool for those who frequently trying to fight off a deep-seated sense of helplessness and impotence. By becoming skilled at trying to control others, they are really attempting to suppress their own fear of being out of control and helpless. The compulsive need for control inevitably causes varying degrees of stress.

The Control Freak is usually riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their colleagues, friends and partner, but underlying this behaviour is a deep empty hole of unhappiness. Attempting to keep the feelings of anxiety and unhappiness at bay, they try to control people and their environments. This results in severe difficulties with negotiation or compromise while producing a very low tolerance for imperfection. This can make them very difficult to work, socialize or live with.

The people around him or her suffer the consequences of their behaviour as they bully, intimidates or sulks to achieve their goals and maintain control. These individuals often seek to make others feel powerless or defeated while constantly trying to manage the anxieties that haunts their mind by controlling other people and external events; beneath it all is a desperate attempt to cover up deep feelings of unhappiness and low self-esteem.

When they fail to control others they will usually go through a sequence of emotions and display one or more of the following behaviours:

• Anger

• Agitation

• Panic and apprehension

• Threatening

• Depression and despair

Control Freaks will do anything to avoid feeling out of control, while seeking to control other people as much as possible. Someone with this type of thinking pattern is actually terrified of becoming or appearing vulnerable. They believe the only way to protect themselves is to stay in control of every aspect of their lives, and that includes controlling their relationships. Despite his feelings of anxiety, They can appear to be highly arrogant forcefully seeking to convince others her or she are always right and everyone else is constantly wrong, believing their judgment is never flawed they never ask for advice or input from anyone else.

The Walking on Eggshells Exercise

Please tick next to your answer.

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner’s:

• Aggressive Gestures
• Rejection
• Disregard
• Silent Treatment
• Harsh Disapproval
• Sarcasm
• Criticism
• Hostile Looks
• Attitude/Moods
• Resentment
• Anger

Adapted from Steven Stosny, Ph.D. ‘Walking on Eggshells’ Quiz

Constantly feeling like you are ‘walking on egg shells’ eventually erodes self-esteem and self-confidence. The ultimate result of staying in a controlling relationship is a loss of self as a person; a healthy person cannot thrive and grow in an atmosphere of control or criticism. If the relationship or marriage has become physically or emotionally abusive it is definitely time to begin planning how and when to leave discreetly. Avoiding confronting or explaining this decision is usually the best strategy as doing so often makes the situation worse as they frantically seek to reassert their control.

Reality Check

“If you have control over yourself, you have no desire to control others.” – Miya Yamanouchi, Embrace Your Sexual Self: A Practical Guide for Women

The Control Freak tends to ask a lot of questions. If you’re with someone who insists on details, wants to know everything you’re doing and often questions your motives, pay close attention. They probably want to be with you all the time, which can be flattering and can appear to be quite normal at first, but this should be considered as a Rd Flag. In a normal relationship, the people who you knew prior to the union will gradually be integrated into the partnership over time, but not with a Control Freak. Like other abusers, they specialize in a ‘divide and conquer’ strategy, seeking to alienate friends and family at every opportunity. They seek to isolate, control, then attempt to cut off any supportive friends and family members.

Book Extract: ‘How to Avoid Abusive Relationship’s – A Guide to Toxic Personalities’

© Nigel Beckles 2020 Due for publication 2023