The Control Freak - Nigel Beckles

“For a Control Freak, love and the desire to control others are synonymous. Once they lose control over the object of their desire, hostility takes over in full force.” – Natalya Vorobyova, Author

It’s quite natural to want to be in control of your own life, but a person who constantly seeks to dictate how other people do things has a serious problem. They develop this habit during childhood; a child who grows up excessively controlled by their parent(s) can feel powerless, helpless or vulnerable and may become an adult who believes it’s wrong to be ‘out of control’. Due to this, they excessively seek to ‘be in control’ all the time. When there is a compulsive need to control others or the immediate environment this can be motivated by the fear of being controlled.

The need to dictate control can sometimes be triggered by a situation that reminds a person of feeling controlled or helpless in the past. This then creates a compulsive reaction to prevent a repeat of the incident or an unwanted experience; the result is a control defence strategy that can be appropriate in certain circumstances but, when taken to extremes, produces dysfunctional and destructive behaviour. The Control Freak can be insidious and very subtle so it can be difficult to identify the early warning signs.

This exaggerated emphasis on seeking complete control causes a number of the following attitudes and behaviours:

• Fears flaws will be exposed

• The inability to trust others

• Perfectionism

• Orderliness

• Workaholic tendencies

• Inability to make firm commitments

• Rigid thinking and difficulty compromising

Controlling behaviour is often an anxiety management tool for those who frequently trying to fight off a deep-seated sense of helplessness and impotence. By becoming skilled at trying to control others, they are really attempting to suppress their own fear of being out of control and helpless. The compulsive need for control inevitably causes varying degrees of stress.

The Control Freak is usually riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their colleagues, friends and partner, but underlying this behaviour is a deep empty hole of unhappiness. Attempting to keep the feelings of anxiety and unhappiness at bay, they try to control people and their environments. This results in severe difficulties with negotiation or compromise while producing a very low tolerance for imperfection. This can make them very difficult to work, socialize or live with.

The people around him or her suffer the consequences of their behaviour as they bully, intimidates or sulks to achieve their goals and maintain control. These individuals often seek to make others feel powerless or defeated while constantly trying to manage the anxieties that haunts their mind by controlling other people and external events; beneath it all is a desperate attempt to cover up deep feelings of unhappiness and low self-esteem.

When they fail to control others they will usually go through a sequence of emotions and display one or more of the following behaviours:

• Anger

• Agitation

• Panic and apprehension

• Threatening

• Depression and despair

Control Freaks will do anything to avoid feeling out of control, while seeking to control other people as much as possible. Someone with this type of thinking pattern is actually terrified of becoming or appearing vulnerable. They believe the only way to protect themselves is to stay in control of every aspect of their lives, and that includes controlling their relationships. Despite his feelings of anxiety, They can appear to be highly arrogant forcefully seeking to convince others her or she are always right and everyone else is constantly wrong, believing their judgment is never flawed they never ask for advice or input from anyone else.

The Walking on Eggshells Exercise

Please tick next to your answer.

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner’s:

Aggressive Gestures
Rejection
Disregard
Silent Treatment
Harsh Disapproval
Sarcasm
Criticism
Hostile Looks
Attitude/Moods
Resentment
Anger

Adapted from Steven Stosny, Ph.D. ‘Walking on Eggshells’ Quiz

Constantly feeling like you are ‘walking on egg shells’ eventually erodes self-esteem and self-confidence. The ultimate result of staying in a controlling relationship is a loss of self as a person; a healthy person cannot thrive and grow in an atmosphere of control or criticism. If the relationship or marriage has become physically or emotionally abusive it is definitely time to begin planning how and when to leave discreetly. Avoiding confronting or explaining this decision is usually the best strategy as doing so often makes the situation worse as they frantically seek to reassert their control.

Reality Check

“If you have control over yourself, you have no desire to control others.” – Miya Yamanouchi, Embrace Your Sexual Self: A Practical Guide for Women

The Control Freak tends to ask a lot of questions. If you’re with someone who insists on details, wants to know everything you’re doing and often questions your motives, pay close attention. They probably want to be with you all the time, which can be flattering and can appear to be quite normal at first, but this should be considered as a Rd Flag. In a normal relationship, the people who you knew prior to the union will gradually be integrated into the partnership over time, but not with a Control Freak. Like other abusers, they specialize in a ‘divide and conquer’ strategy, seeking to alienate friends and family at every opportunity. They seek to isolate, control, then attempt to cut off any supportive friends and family members.

Book Extract: ‘How to Avoid Abusive Relationship’s – A Guide to Toxic Personalities’