Tag Archive for: #personalboundaries

Is Your Family Toxic?

/in /by

“Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.” ― Iyanla Vanzant, American Author, Speaker & Life Coach

I concluded after a great deal of observation, research, and reflection that the family I used to be a part of was not conducive to my mental or emotional health. The journey has been very challenging at times, and by sharing my thoughts in this article, I hope it will help others who may be struggling while dealing with difficult or toxic relatives. A dysfunctional family is not simply one that experiences problems or occasional conflict, and while every household has tension, disagreements or difficult periods. Malfunctioning develops when unnatural patterns are chronic, emotionally damaging, and deeply embedded in the system itself, with these patterns eventually shaping how family members communicate, relate to one another, handle emotions, and understand themselves. The dynamics can emerge from many different sources, and often several overlap at the same time, and one common factor is unresolved trauma experienced by parents or caregivers that can include neglect, abuse, instability, or emotional deprivation in their own upbringing. They may unconsciously repeat similar patterns because harmful behaviour has become normalized to them. In many cases, people react to emotional wounds that were never properly addressed by themselves. Addictions can also destabilize the emotional structure of a family, so alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other compulsive behaviours often create unpredictability, secrecy, emotional inconsistency, and broken trust. Members of the household may gradually adapt by becoming hypervigilant, avoidant, or emotionally suppressed simply to cope with the instability. Mental health difficulties, particularly when undiagnosed or untreated, can be a factor with severe anxiety, depression, personality disorders, or chronic emotional dysregulation, causing an emotional atmosphere that is toxic.

“The happy family is a myth for many.” ― Carolyn Spring, Author

Controlling or authoritarian parenting styles where emotional expression is discouraged, criticism is frequent, or affection is conditional can create dysfunction in some families where appearances become more important than reasonable consideration for those being impacted, with problems denied, hidden, or minimized rather than openly discussed. In some cases, dysfunction is subtle rather than overt, not involving physical abuse or dramatic chaos but rather chronic emotional invalidation, control, tension, or absence of emotional safety. Due to the damage being quieter, it can take years before someone fully recognizes the damage that has been caused. There are instances where dysfunction develops less dramatically but can be just as damaging through emotional neglect; a family may appear to be stable on the surface, financially secure and socially respectable, but emotionally disconnected underneath. As a result, the need for comfort, validation, reassurance, or emotional safety may be consistently ignored.

Typical Behaviours & Unspoken Rules

• Communication is often indirect, defensive, hostile, or emotionally avoidant.
• Certain topics are treated as ‘off limits’ and cannot be openly discussed.
• Family members may be apprehensive while trying to avoid conflicts or emotional      outbursts.
• Criticism, blame, or scapegoating become common interaction patterns.
• Emotional needs are dismissed, mocked, or minimized.
• Boundaries are either excessively rigid or poorly respected altogether.
• Children may be forced into adult emotional roles too early.
• Affection and approval may feel conditional rather than secure.
• Conflicts are either explosive or completely suppressed.
• Appearances and reputation are prioritized over integrity.
• One family member may be idealized while another is consistently blamed.
• Silence, guilt, withdrawal, or manipulation may be used to control behaviour.
• Family members are often discouraged from expressing individuality or disagreement.
• Loyalty to the family system is valued more than the truthful individual.

“Unhappy families are conspiracies of silence. The one who breaks the silence is never forgiven. He or she has to learn to forgive him or herself.” ― Jeanette Winterson, Author

One of the most confusing aspects is that these patterns often become so deep-rooted that family members stop recognizing them as being corrosive, and behaviours that would usually appear to be deeply unsettling from an external objective perspective can feel entirely natural for those within the toxic system. Youngsters, in particular, tend to absorb this type of negative environment deeply, as it disrupts their sense of safety and identity. The internal blueprint for a person’s relationships, self-worth, communication, and emotional safety is generally formed during childhood because human beings have the ability to adapt psychologically to their environment, lacking external reference points for what healthy family dynamics should look like. Whatever they grow up around becomes expected, even if it involves emotional neglect, manipulation, volatility, or chronic tension. In addition, there can be a very strong emotional pressure to protect the family image, so admitting dysfunction can feel deeply threatening because it challenges a person’s identity, loyalty, and sense of belonging. Some individuals enable harmful behaviours by minimizing what is happening because accepting the truth would mean confronting painful emotions such as grief, anger, betrayal, or loss. Denial can serve as a coping mechanism; if acknowledging the toxicity feels emotionally overwhelming, their minds may downplay or rationalize what is actually occurring. Phrases such as “every family has problems” or “that’s just how they are” often become tactics to excuse behaviour that is actually emotionally damaging.

Potential Harm

• Chronic anxiety, hypervigilance, or emotional insecurity.
• Low self-worth and persistent self-doubt.
• Difficulty trusting others or forming strong attachments.
• Fear of abandonment or rejection.
• Problems setting and maintaining assertive boundaries.
• Increased risk of entering toxic or abusive relationships.
• Emotional suppression or difficulty expressing feelings.
• Perfectionism, people-pleasing, or excessive need for approval.
• Difficulty regulating emotions during stress or conflict.
• Shame, guilt, or feelings of unworthiness.
• Confusion around identity and personal needs.
• Depression, loneliness, or emotional numbness.
• A tendency to accept unhealthy treatment from others.
• Difficulty feeling emotionally safe, even in stable relationships.

Recommendations

“This toxic pattern within the broken family system will continue from one generation to the next, until one brave survivor finally ends the cycle of abuse. The dysfunction, bullying, and abuse didn’t start with you, but it most certainly can end with you.” ― Dana Arcuri, Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, Soul Rescue: How to Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse & Heal Trauma

The first step is to recognize these patterns clearly because challenging years of conditioning can help someone to stop automatically blaming themselves for situations they were not responsible for. Developing emotional independence is also important, as many individuals from dysfunctional families remain psychologically and emotionally trapped in old roles long after adulthood, so learning to separate personal identity from family expectations can be very liberating, although it should be said, also potentially very challenging. Setting boundaries, such as limiting certain conversations, reducing emotional overexposure, or becoming more selective about how much access family members have to personal information and emotional energy, will be essential. In some situations, limited contact or even temporary distance may be necessary if the environment remains consistently harmful, manipulative, or emotionally unsafe.

The reality is that dysfunctional individuals are frequently unaware that their behaviour impacts negatively on others, and it is vital to understand that not every family relationship can be repaired simply through effort or goodwill. Therapy or counselling can assist in processing unresolved emotional wounds, identifying unhealthy relational patterns, and building better coping strategies. Support groups can also be valuable because they can help people realise they are not alone in their experiences. Many survivors who emerge from dysfunctional families develop significant strengths, empathy, resilience, emotional insight, and self-awareness, particularly once they begin consciously working through their negative experiences. The effects can be long-lasting, but awareness can help break harmful cycles while developing constructive ways of relating to themselves and others.

© Nigel Beckles

Why People Fail to Admit Their Toxic Behaviour

/in /by

“With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically. He or she may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or even fear they are losing their mind. They have become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.” ― Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

When a person hurts someone intentionally and then behaves as if nothing has occurred, it is rarely accidental, as the response often serves an internal psychological function to protect the perpetrator. Acknowledging harm caused would require the individual to tolerate guilt, shame, or responsibility, so acting ‘normal’ allows them to bypass those uncomfortable feelings and preserve their internal equilibrium. Another motivation is defending their self-image, as many people struggle to reconcile the idea that they are capable of causing harm, viewing themselves as righteous individuals, and ignoring what they have done allows them to maintain the preferred narrative about who they are. In some cases, which is more concerning, this behaviour reflects a lack of empathy or emotional immaturity. The individual may genuinely struggle to recognize the emotional impact of their actions or may prioritize their comfort over accountability and apology. An element of power and control can also be present, implicitly signalling that the feelings of others do not warrant attention or repair, which is common in emotionally abusive or manipulative relationships. Normalization of harm can also play a role; for example, if a person grew up in an environment where the rights or feelings of others were ignored or minimized, they may unconsciously repeat that pattern, believing that harm inflicted on others should simply be endured and forgotten.

When someone acts as if nothing has happened after causing emotional harm, it is usually about their inability or unwillingness to face discomfort, not about the legitimacy of the harm they have inflicted. Protecting yourself begins with the decision to stop trying to extract accountability from anyone who is invested in avoiding it and instead focus on your boundaries, clarity, and mental health. Emotionally immature people often struggle to apologize, and the issue is usually an inability to tolerate what an apology requires internally. Reasons include:

 Fragile Self-image

Apologies often require admitting fault, and for these people, this can feel like a threat to their identity rather than conceding they have done something wrong. They experience being ‘wrong’ as being bad, defective, or unlovable.

 Shame

Apologizing can activate feelings of shame, so instead of processing that emotion, they avoid it through denial, minimization, or defensiveness. Refusing to say sorry becomes a way to escape emotional discomfort.

Externalization of Blame

Emotionally immature people often cope by blaming others or circumstances, so if someone else is always at fault, there is no need to apologize. This protects the ego but frequently damages relationships.

Avoidance

Apologies require emotional engagement, empathy, and reflection. Those who lack emotional depth or regulation skills often bypass this by acting as though nothing happened.

Fear of Losing Power or Status

In some dynamics, especially controlling or narcissistic ones, apologizing feels like surrendering authority. They may equate accountability with weakness.

Poor Empathy

If a person struggles to genuinely understand or value another’s emotional experience, they may not see why an apology is necessary at all.

Conditional or Transactional Relating

Some people consider relationships as a zero-sum game, so if they apologize, this is seen as a ‘loss’ and the other person ‘wins’ which they find extremely uncomfortable.

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” ― Benjamin Franklin, Member of the Founding Fathers of the United States  (1706 –1790)

When someone refuses to apologize, they are making a statement about their capacity, not your worth. Internalised blame often forms because the mind tries to create coherence. If no repair occurs, the psyche looks for a reason, and the most available explanation is “it must be me.” Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards resolving the toxic interactions.

Separate the impact from acknowledgement

Harm does not require recognition to be real. Emotional impact exists independently of whether the other person admits it. Repeating this distinction helps loosen the belief that validation is required for legitimacy.

Stop rehearsing the argument

Mentally replaying conversations, explanations, or “better wording” keeps you psychologically tethered to someone who is not engaging in good faith. Each rehearsal subtly reinforces the idea that accountability is still obtainable if you try harder. It usually isn’t.

Reality Check

Patterns clarify responsibility far more accurately than isolated moments, so instead of considering a single event, look at the pattern over time. Ask yourself:

  • Do they ever say sorry to anyone?
  • Do they take responsibility elsewhere?
  • Do conflicts consistently end with silence, deflection, or reversal?

Recommendations

Challenge the Person  

This is for clarity, not persuasion, and it is important to state calmly what occurred and how it affected you. Remember that repeated explanations rarely lead to accountability with this type of character.

Observe Their Responses, Not Their Words

Pay attention to whether they show curiosity, responsibility, or change. Dismissal, deflection, or minimization is very useful information that should not be ignored.

Do Not Pursue Acknowledgement

Seeking validation from someone who avoids responsibility can cause more emotional injury. Closure does not require their agreement.

Set Boundaries

Limit emotional exposure if you identify a pattern that is being repeated or raising the problem is ignored. Distance can be a form of self-respect, not punishment. Remind yourself that someone’s refusal to acknowledge what they are doing does not invalidate your experience, as the emotional impact exists whether it is recognized or not.

This kind of conduct eventually erodes trust, safety, and emotional intimacy, and the healthiest response is often not seeking further explanation but setting clear boundaries and adjusting expectations. Preventing the pattern from continuing is not about logic but cultivating self-awareness because not receiving an apology does not mean you were wrong but reveals a person who is unable or unwilling to be accountable. When you stop internalizing their failure, your sense of clarity and self-respect will begin to return. Mature people apologize because they are emotionally mature adults, while those who are immature generally avoid apologizing to protect their fragile egos. Talking with a therapist or trusted person helps to prevent self-doubt and internalizing blame.

© Nigel Beckles

Adults Who Have ‘No Contact’ With Toxic Parents

/in /by

“You deserved a parent who saw you, not through you.” — Karyl McBride, Author  

Adults ‘Divorcing’ Parents

“You deserved a parent who saw you, not through you.” — Karyl McBride, Author  

Last month Oprah Winfrey published a podcast online entitled ‘Oprah Explores the Rising Trend of Going No Contact with Your Family’ which has received considerable backlash online regarding the use of the word ‘trend’ because people have been doing this for decades. Prior to social media the only narratives frequently shared concerned family unity, ‘honouring your parents’, or religiously based opinions. The hostile reaction in part appears to be based on various observations that some of the discussions undermined the real trauma of survivors who have experienced emotional or physical abuse and felt their pain had been trivialized, as if they had cut off their family members for irrational reasons or were a part of some sort of fad rather than undertaking a viable self-preservation strategy. The internet and social media have had a surprisingly significant role in the rise of adults choosing to go No Contact with their toxic parents. Forums, blogs, and online communities allow people to recognize patterns of emotional abuse, neglect, or control that were previously normalized or dismissed. Those who may have grown up feeling confused, guilty, or ‘overly sensitive’ can suddenly see that their experiences fit a recognized pattern. Reading personal accounts or expert content can validate feelings that were long buried, providing the critical insight that some parental behaviours are indeed abusive, not just eccentric or difficult. Online communities focused on toxic parents, emotional neglect, or parental abuse create a sense of solidarity. Seeing others share their journeys, especially their decision to go No Contact and the outcomes helps normalize the idea that setting firm boundaries is not only acceptable but sometimes necessary.

Individuals are less likely to feel isolated or fear stigma when they realize they are not alone in these struggles. Social media has also made psychology more accessible, with psychologists, therapists, and mental health advocates breaking down concepts like narcissism, emotional invalidation, ‘Parentification’, and toxic control. This knowledge equips grown-ups with language to articulate their experiences and justifications for No Contact, reducing internal conflict or the “Am I overreacting?” doubts that used to keep people trapped in unhealthy relationships. Online platforms allows selective engagement without having to explain constantly to the wider world why a decision has been made to cease communication. This provides agency and encouragement to maintain personal boundaries.

“The single most important empowerment tool is to accept no excuses for hurtful, harmful, or inappropriate behaviour.” – Dr. George Simon, PhD.

Social media platforms amplify stories of both positive and negative outcomes from reconnecting or staying in toxic relationships. People can learn about potential legal, emotional, or financial implications, helping them make informed decisions. In effect, it reduces the mystique of “What if I go No Contact?” and frames the decision as a proactive, self-protective choice rather than an emotional overreaction. In short, the internet and social media provide both validation and practical tools: they help adults recognize abusive patterns, connect with peers who share similar experiences, educate themselves about emotional dynamics, and take tangible steps to protect themselves. It is this combination of knowledge, peer support, and actionable options that has contributed to more men and women feeling confident enough to make this decision.

More people are stepping back from their parents because they’re finally recognizing the emotional toll of maintaining a relationship that has never felt safe or nourishing. As people grow and become more self-aware, they start noticing the emotional patterns they once normalised like the dismissive comments, the unpredictable moods, the subtle guilt trips, or the complete absence of empathy. The belief of “This just how my family is…” begins to look more like emotional neglect or even abuse. With greater access to therapy, trauma education, and social conversations about dysfunctional families it is easier to understand that being biologically related does not guarantee an emotional connection and once you recognize a pattern as harmful, it becomes increasingly hard to keep accommodating it. For many, the real turning point is the realization that their parent is not simply flawed but consistently unwilling to change their behaviour. It can be a very painful gap between desire and reality that pushes people toward a decision they never imagined making by choosing distance over repeated emotional injury.

Common Myths

“It’s not your job to fix other people’s wounds; it’s your right to heal yours.” — Dr. Theresa J. Covert, Author  

One of the strongest myths is the belief that going No Contact makes you a bad daughter or son. This idea is deeply rooted in cultural conditioning, where family loyalty is treated as absolute but the truth is far simpler. Protecting yourself does not make you disloyal; it means you’ve outgrown the role you were forced to play. Another myth is the fantasy that a parent will eventually change if you just try harder and many adults cling to this belief well into their forties or fifties because hope is powerful, and the longing for parental love never really disappears. But if someone has had decades to reflect and still refuses to take responsibility, the likelihood of a sudden transformation is extremely small. Holding on to this fiction delays healing and keeps you stuck in the same painful dance. People can confuse obligation with gratitude, but they are not the same thing. There can be the feeling that you ‘owe’ your parents unconditional access because they provided food, clothing, or shelter when you were young. However, providing basic care is the legal and moral responsibility of a parent; it is not a lifetime contract for unlimited emotional access or accepting abuse.

Another myth is the idea that deciding to go No Contact is dramatic or extreme. In reality the choice is made only after every other boundary has been ignored, twisted, or punished. The decision is usually the last, not the first, option when all attempts at seeking to be respected have failed. Finally there is the myth that this decision will leave the person full of regret and while the early stages can be painful and confusing, most people describe feeling lighter and more grounded once the dust settles. The regret people actually feel is not for leaving, but for staying so long in the hope that things would be different.

Psychological Stages

“Neglect from a parent is a silent wound that screams for healing.” — Susan Forward, Author  

The decision to go No Contact rarely comes out of the blue. Most people move through a quiet psychological process long before they reach the point of cutting ties. It usually begins with a subtle awareness that something in the relationship feels “off,” even if they can’t yet articulate what that is. They may notice a hollow feeling after interactions with their parent, or a heaviness in their chest when the phone rings. This early discomfort is often dismissed as personal oversensitivity, because children raised by emotionally immature or toxic parents are conditioned to believe the problem is always them. The next stage is recognition. This tends to happen after repeated cycles of hurtful behaviour or a single incident that feels like the final straw. They begin connecting past experiences with present emotional reactions, and the puzzle pieces finally start forming a picture. Many describe this stage as both liberating and destabilising. Liberating because they finally understand the pattern. Destabilising because the truth challenges their loyalty. The mind starts wrestling with conflicting narratives: “I shouldn’t feel this way about my parent,” and “Yet I do.”

After recognition comes evaluation. This is where someone starts testing small boundaries, like limiting visits or taking longer to reply. These subtle shifts reveal a lot, as toxic parents usually escalate when they sense their emotional control slipping. That escalation, whether through guilt, criticism, or manufactured crisis, becomes further evidence that the dynamic has never been healthy. People then start imagining what distance might feel like. Not necessarily cutting ties completely, just the dream of peace but then comes the decision. It often arrives quietly, without drama or fanfare. A person simply reaches a point where the emotional cost outweighs the cultural or social expectations, the guilt, and the longing. It is not a choice made out of anger but often made out of emotional exhaustion. They stop trying to fix the unfixable and instead choose emotional survival. No Contact becomes a boundary, not a punishment.

Emotional Preparation

“Emotional neglect teaches you to survive, not thrive.” — Lindsay C. Gibson, Author  

Emotionally preparing for No Contact is less about building walls and more about steadying yourself from the inside out. Most people underestimate how emotionally tangled they are with their parent, even when the relationship has been painful for years. Preparation begins with acknowledging that choosing distance doesn’t erase the history or the longing. You can love someone deeply and still need to protect yourself from them. Holding both truths at the same time is part of the emotional work. The next step is recognising the grief that comes with this decision. It’s not just the loss of the parent you have today, but the loss of the fantasy parent you hoped they would become. That grief can surface as sadness, guilt, anger, or even relief, and each emotion deserves space. Many people feel guilty simply for wanting peace, so it helps to remind yourself that choosing safety, stability, and self-respect is not cruelty but achieving clarity.

Preparing and strengthening your internal boundaries will be essential. Toxic parents are remarkably skilled at piercing emotional weak spots. They may guilt-trip, minimise, lash out, or play the victim. Knowing this ahead of time helps you stay anchored. Consider writing down the reasons for your decision. When the emotional storms come (and they usually do) you can return to that list and remind yourself of the reality you’re choosing to step away from. It can also be useful to build a support network, even if it consists of just one or two trusted people. Someone who understands, listens without judgement, and can gently remind you of why you made this choice can be invaluable. Emotional preparation is not about becoming cold or disconnected; it’s about developing enough internal steadiness to weather the discomfort that comes with choosing a healthier path.

“When parents are emotionally immature, they have trained you to either give too much or too little.” — Dr. Theresa J. Covert, Author  

Cutting contact with a parent is rarely a clean break but tangled and usually emotionally charged. Guilt tends to be the first hurdle. Society has a way of insisting that loyalty to family is sacred, so choosing distance can feel like violating an unwritten rule. There is also grief for the parent you hoped for, the childhood you didn’t get, and the fantasy that maybe one day things might change. People can face backlash from siblings or relatives who do not understand the choice and may side with the parent simply because this easier than confronting the truth. Despite how heavy the process can be, many describe an unmistakable sense of relief when the emotional noise finally quiets down. Anxiety lessens because they’re no longer waiting for the next outburst or guilt-heavy message. Their nervous system gets a chance to settle. They discover that boundaries actually have meaning when they are not constantly being pushed or ignored. Emotional and mental space opens up, allowing healthier relationships to form because they’re no longer preoccupied with managing someone else’s chaos. Self-respect grows, slowly at first, then with more confidence as the distance becomes familiar. For some people they begin to feel at peace instead of to earn love and respect by pleasing, placating, or supressing themselves.

When someone has chosen to go No Contact with their parents or wider family, Christmas and other holidays can stir up a complicated mix of emotions. These moments are culturally framed as family-centred occasions, so the absence of those relationships can feel uncomfortable. A person may find themselves wrestling with guilt, even after making a decision that protects their wellbeing, because old conditioning whispers that family should always come first. There is also the social pressure from friends, co-workers, or extended relatives who might ask well-meaning but intrusive questions about holiday plans, leaving the person feeling exposed or misunderstood. Loneliness can also be a factor, not because the decision was wrong, but because traditions can carry memories that do not simply fade away. In addition, there can be a tug-of-war between relief and sadness; relief that there is no longer chaos, manipulation, or conflict to brace for, and sadness for the version of family life they never had but still wish existed. Sorrow can surface when the world seems to be celebrating togetherness, but these reactions do not mean the decision was misguided; they are simply reminders of how deep family dynamics run and how much courage it takes to choose emotional safety over obligation.

Handling Criticism

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” — Winston Churchill, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (1940-1945)

I made the decision to cease interactions with my family due to parental abuse. If you decide to go No Contact, you may quickly discover that not everyone will applaud your clarity. Some family members may react with shock, disbelief, or even aggression. Their criticism isn’t always malicious. Sometimes it comes from denial, fear, or their own unresolved guilt. Other times it’s because your decision forces them to confront truth they’d rather avoid. One of the most effective ways to navigate criticism is to remember that you don’t owe anyone a detailed justification. Short, calm statements are powerful because they give nothing away and shut down the invitation to debate. You don’t need to convince anyone. You don’t need them to understand because their lack of understanding does not invalidate your reality.

(C) Nigel Beckles

References

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents – Lindsay C. Gibson

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life – Susan Forward

Due for Publication Early 2026

 

Kindle Edition https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Avoid-Making-Relationship-Mistakes-ebook/dp/B0155PB68E/https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Avoid-Making-Relationship-Mistakes-ebook/dp/B0155PB68E/

Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

/in /by

“Passive Aggression – Being covertly spiteful with the intent of inflicting mental pain.”
― Ashta-Deb, Life Happens To Us: A True Story

Motivations for Passive-Aggressiveness

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings, resentment, or aggression towards others. Instead of openly confronting issues, individuals may use subtle, indirect, or passive means to express their anger, frustration, or resistance. This can include the person using sarcasm, sulking, procrastination, deliberately avoiding tasks, giving backhanded compliments, or expressing hostility through nonverbal cues such as eye-rolling or ignoring someone. This type of conduct often stems from feelings of powerlessness, fear of confrontation, or an inability to express emotions openly. It can lead to communication breakdowns, conflicts, and strained relationships as the underlying issues remain unresolved. A variety of factors can motivate immediate family members, relatives, friends, and even intimate partners to resort to passive-aggressive behavior, undermining trust and creating a toxic atmosphere in both professional and personal settings. One common reason is a fear of direct confrontation or conflict. They may feel uncomfortable expressing their feelings openly or fear the consequences of confrontation, such as rejection or retaliation. This covert tactic can also be a way to regain a sense of control in situations where individuals feel powerless or overwhelmed. A lack of assertiveness skills or the belief that openly expressing their feelings will not validate them may lead some individuals to use passive-aggressive strategies as an indirect means of expressing anger or frustration. Some individuals may have learned or copied passive-aggressive behaviour from childhood experiences or from significant others. Overall, passive-aggressive behaviour often serves as a coping mechanism for underlying emotional or psychological issues.

“Passive-aggressive behaviour is the perverse art of letting someone know you’re not happy without actually telling them.” ― Nitin Namdeo, Author

Passive-aggressive individuals often use subtle, indirect, or ambiguous phrases to express their frustrations or displeasure. In person, they might say things like “I’m not being funny, but…” or “Its fine, I’m used to being ignored” and “I guess I’m just not as talented as you.” This type of behaviour can manifest in various ways when engaging with online platforms like Facebook or Instagram. Someone might post vague or cryptic status updates or comments that hint at their feelings without directly expressing them. They might post something ambiguous like “Some people just don’t appreciate all that you do.” or “ I’m just saying…” or leave cryptic comments such as  “It must be nice to have it all figured out.” Other language can also be used such as sarcasm or backhanded compliments in their posts or comments. These kind of phrases allow them to express their feelings indirectly while maintaining a façade of politeness or innocence.

“Passive-aggressive behaviour is the perverse art of letting someone know you’re not happy without actually telling them.” ― Nitin Namdeo, Author

Individuals can also engage in passive-aggressive actions such as ignoring messages or comments, liking or sharing posts as a form of silent disapproval, or subtly undermining others’ posts especially in online groups. Depending on the person’s motives and objectives, they may target specific individuals or a broader audience with their comments on social media. Often, passive-aggressive behaviour is a devious and underhanded verbal attack; alternatively, someone may use sulking or sullenness to cope with their feelings of anger or hostility. The attack could be conscious or subconsciously triggered, and it could be a compulsive reaction to real or perceived emotional pain. Identifying these attacks can be challenging, and you might not even be certain if you are the target. The perpetrator will usually have excuses and justifications that, on the surface, seem very plausible.

Recommendations

Dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour can be challenging, but there are strategies you can use to address it effectively:

  • Avoid reacting emotionally to passive-aggressive behaviour. Responding with anger or frustration may escalate the situation and make it harder to resolve.
  • Stay calm and composed.
  • Address the behaviour immediately and directly.
  • Calmly and assertively communicate with the person about their behaviour.
  • Set clear boundaries.
  • Clearly define what conduct is unacceptable, as well as the consequences of continuing the behaviour. Stick to your boundaries and follow through with consequences if necessary.
  • If appropriate, encourage the person to communicate openly rather than resorting to passive-aggressive tactics.

If you find yourself targeted by passive-aggressive comments or actions practice self-care activities that help you manage stress and seek to maintain a positive outlook despite dealing with this type of challenging behaviour. In a situation where the interaction persists you may choose to disengage with the person behaving in this way. If their behaviour begins to impact your mental health, consider speaking to a close friend or family member. Alternatively, seek support from a therapist or counsellor.

© Nigel Beckles

Understanding Online Trolls & Abusers

/in /by

“Why do shitty people always brag about being good at trolling? Troll is just another word for asshole. What kind of antisocial sociopath is proud of being an asshole?” ― Oliver Markus Malloy, Inside The Mind of an Introvert

Trolls & Abusers Online

A person I had never met or interacted with online viciously attacked me after I published my first book in 2015, writing ‘attack reviews’ and spamming my website comments section with misinformation. This prompted me to carry out research regarding Trolls and their motivations; more recently, a friend of mine told me she had recently been the subject of a trolling attack instigated by someone she had never met. This inspired this article, which I hope you will find useful.  Online trolls disrupt discussions by purposefully posting comments intended to provoke and upset others. Their actions often lack a clear purpose beyond causing chaos and distress. Trolls resort to lying, exaggeration, and offensive remarks to elicit reactions from participants. These individuals often embody the Dark Tetrad personality traits, which encompass narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism. Online trolls are motivated by a variety of factors, including their personality traits and psychological characteristics. Brigham Young University USA conducted research involving 1,200 people and found that those who preferred trolling had higher Dark Tetrad scores, which include the personality traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism that play a significant role in motivating this type of negative online activity.

Narcissism

Trolls often exhibit narcissistic tendencies, seeking attention, validation, and admiration from others. By provoking strong reactions and garnering attention through their disruptive conduct, trolls feed their need for recognition and significance.

Machiavellianism

Machiavellianism entails cunningness, manipulative tendencies, and a relentless pursuit of power by any means necessary. Machiavellian individuals are characterised by their manipulative nature and strategic approach to social interactions. These people can engage in trolling as a means of exerting control and power over others, manipulating online conversations to achieve their own ends, or simply causing chaos for their own amusement.

Psychopathy

Psychopathic traits, such as a lack of empathy, remorse, and impulse control, contribute to trolling activities. Trolls may derive pleasure from inflicting emotional distress on others without regard for the consequences, reflecting their callous and antisocial tendencies.

Sadism

Sadistic individuals derive satisfaction from the suffering of others. Trolls can be seeking a way to experience a sense of power and superiority over their victims, enjoying the emotional reactions and distress they try to provoke.

Additional factors, such as anonymity, a lack of accountability, and a pattern of antisocial and impulsive online interactions, contribute to the motivation behind trolling. Online platforms provide anonymity, enabling these individuals to act without fear of face-to-face consequences. The disconnection between online interactions and potential real-life consequences can lead trolls to engage in behaviours they might not otherwise exhibit in real-life situations. Ultimately, the motivations behind trolling are a combination of personality traits, psychological factors, and situational variables. Understanding these motivations can help individuals and online communities develop strategies to mitigate trolling and create more positive and respectful online environments.

Negative Consequences of Trolling

“Claiming to be offended is a great way to elevate yourself at the expense of others: “Look at me! I’m a much better person than you! And I judge you! I condemn you! Shame! Shame! SHAME!” These social media shamings bear an uncanny resemblance to medieval witch hunts.” ― Oliver Markus Malloy, Author

The negative outcomes of troll activity online can have wide-ranging consequences for individuals, online communities, and society as a whole including:

Emotional Distress

Trolling often involves harassment, bullying, and personal attacks, which can cause significant emotional distress and psychological harm to the targets of the trolling. Victims may experience feelings of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even suicidal ideation as a result of the relentless harassment and abuse.

Damage to Reputation

Trolls may engage in smear campaigns, spreading false information or malicious rumours about their targets in an attempt to damage their reputation and credibility. This can have serious consequences for individuals, especially those in positions of influence or authority, leading to reputational harm, professional repercussions, and personal stress.

Disruption to Online Communities

Trolling activities can disrupt online communities and forums, creating a hostile and toxic atmosphere that drives away users and undermines the sense of community and belonging. Trolls may hijack discussions, derail conversations, and create conflict and division within online groups, leading to decreased participation and engagement.

Spread of Misinformation

These individuals may spread false information, propaganda, or conspiracy theories as part of their trolling efforts, contributing to the spread of misinformation and disinformation online. This can undermine trust in reliable sources of information, fuel conspiracy theories and polarisation, and have serious implications for public discourse and democratic processes.

Harm to Businesses & Organizations

Trolling can have negative repercussions for businesses, organizations, and brands, particularly if they become targets of coordinated trolling campaigns. Trolls may engage in smear tactics, negative reviews, and online harassment directed at businesses and organisations, leading to reputational damage, loss of customers or supporters, and financial harm.

Chilling Effects & Censorship

In response to trolling, online platforms may implement stricter moderation policies, censorship measures, or content restrictions to combat harassment and abuse. While these measures may be necessary to protect users from harm, they can also have unintended consequences, such as limiting free expression, stifling debate, and creating a chilling effect on online discourse.

Trolling activity online can have serious and far-reaching negative outcomes, affecting individuals, communities, and society in profound ways. It is essential to address and mitigate trolling through proactive measures, education, and community engagement to create a safer, more inclusive, and more respectful online environment for everyone.

How to Handle Nasty Trolls!

“Why do shitty people always brag about being good at trolling? Troll is just another word for asshole. What kind of antisocial sociopath is proud of being an asshole?” ― Oliver Markus Malloy, Inside The Mind of an Introvert

Dealing with online trolls can be challenging, but there are several strategies that you and online communities can employ to effectively manage trolling behaviour including:

Ignoring

Trolls thrive on attention and reactions from their targets. By ignoring their provocations and refusing to engage with them, you deny them the satisfaction they seek. Instead, focus your energy on positive interactions with others or disengage from the conversation altogether.

Stay Calm & Composed

Trolls often aim to provoke emotional reactions from their targets. By remaining calm, composed, and rational in your responses, you deprive them of the satisfaction of seeing you upset or angry. Remember that their goal is to elicit a reaction, so refusing to give them one can be an effective strategy.

Maintain Boundaries

Set clear boundaries for yourself regarding what you will tolerate online. Refuse to engage with trolls or participate in discussions that are likely to attract trolling. Stick to topics that are meaningful and constructive, and avoid feeding into negativity.

Report & Block

Most online platforms have mechanisms in place for reporting abusive or harassing behaviour. If you encounter a troll, report their activity to the platform administrators and consider blocking them to prevent further interactions.

Engage in Positive Online Exchanges

Instead of directly engaging with trolls, focus on promoting positive and constructive dialogue within online communities. Share helpful information, offer support to others, and contribute to discussions in a meaningful and respectful manner. By fostering a positive atmosphere, you can help counteract the influence of trolls and create a more supportive online environment.

Educating Others

Raising awareness within online communities about the tactics used by trolls and the impact of their behaviour can be very productive. Encourage others to recognise trolling and respond appropriately by ignoring, reporting, and blocking trolls. By educating others about the issue, you can empower individuals to take action and mitigate the effects of this type of toxic online activity.

The key to dealing with online trolls is to avoid giving them the attention and reaction they seek while promoting positive and constructive interactions within online communities. By employing these strategies and working together as a community, we can minimise the impact of trolling behaviour and foster a more enjoyable and respectful online environment for everyone.

© Nigel Beckles

References:

Internet Trolls Are Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sadists https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/your-online-secrets/201409/internet-trolls-are-narcissists-psychopaths-and-sadists

REVEALED: The four personality traits which make an internet troll: Scientists say a combination of narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy and schadenfreude turns people into online bullies https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-9726765/Internet-trolls-possess-narcissism-Machiavellianism-psychopathy-schadenfreude-study-finds.html

Please join me on Facebook!

Personal Page @ https://www.facebook.com/nigel.beckles1

Author Page @ https://www.facebook.com/relationshipmistakesbook/

Friendship Red Flags

/in /by

“What a desperate, pathetic fool I was. Time after time, my “friends” had shown me their true colours. Yet, I still wanted to believe they were sorry for causing me pain.” – Jodee Blanco, Please Stop Laughing at Me. One Woman’s Inspirational Story

Warning Signs

Managing friendships can be a complicated process that is influenced by a number of different factors , including personality, ideals, and life circumstances. While it’s vital to keep an open mind and provide people the chance to establish a sincere relationship, there are some people that should never be considered when establishing or sustaining a friendship. Character types to stay away from include:

Extremely Harmful or Toxic

These people are the ones who always bring drama, negativity, or poison into your life. They could be an energy drain, a continual source of criticism, or the source of needless arguments.

Controlling or Manipulative

Individuals that attempt to control or manipulate you for their personal gain. To get their way, they might employ strategies like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or coercion, and they might not have your best interests in mind.

Not Trustworthy or Consistent

Those who repeatedly abandon arrangements, break promises, or fail to follow through on their obligations. Developing a friendship with an untrustworthy person might cause disappointment and anger.

Judgmental or Close-Minded

People who are quickly to judge or criticise others without taking into account alternative viewpoints are considered judgmental or closed-minded. They are often cannot be open to hearing different points of view or be intolerant of diversity.

Competitive, Envious or Jealous

These types of people may feel intimidated by your achievements and see friendships as contests. To stroke their own ego, they could try to outdo you or downplay your accomplishments.

Deceitful or Dishonest

It is very challenging to establish a true and sincere friendship with these types because they lack integrity and honesty in their dealings and may lie, distort the truth, or violate your confidence.

Self-Centered or Narcissistic

Will brutally put their own demands and wants ahead of other people’s. They typically just pretend to be engaged in friendships that profit them in some manner, and they frequently lack empathy or care for the feelings of others.

Feelings vs Facts  

“Just as thoughts are not facts, feelings are not facts either. Emotions are information, but when that information is powerful, intense, and loud, as emotions can be, then we are more vulnerable to believing in them as a true reflection of what is going on. I feel it; therefore, it must be a fact. Emotional reasoning is a thought bias that leads us to use what we feel as evidence for something to be true, even when there might be plenty of evidence to suggest otherwise.” ― Julie Smith, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

In today’s world, many people believe feelings or emotions are more significant than real, verifiable facts. Our perceptions, choices, and actions are greatly influenced by our emotions, which also frequently affects how we perceive and react to information. Due to the influence of “Cognitive Biases,” which refers to mental shortcuts or thought processes that can result in errors in judgement and decision-making, there are individuals who prioritise their emotions over the facts. Strong or deeply ingrained emotions have the potential to magnify Confirmation Bias, which causes people to prioritise information that supports their feelings above that which contradicts objective facts. When people feel strong emotions like fear, anger, or love, they may emphasise acting in a way that is consistent with their emotional state over acting rationally or based on factual data. This is because emotions can be extremely effective motivators for conduct. For instance, even though statistics indicate that flying is a safe form of transportation, a person who has a severe fear of flying could prioritise avoiding it. A person’s sense of self can become intricately entwined with emotionally charged beliefs or ideals, causing them to give precedence to their emotional attachments above objective facts. For example, a person who has a strong belief in a specific political ideology while considering a particular topic could put their emotional allegiance towards their political organisation ahead of factual accuracy while ignoring the facts of the matter.

How does all of this connect to the subject of friendships? There is a widespread misperception about how important it is to maintain friendships made in in formative years. This is one of the classic pitfalls people fall victim to when one person’s values change or diverge towards a negative path concerning their values or worldview but the other person ignores the obvious evidence that their friendship is no longer viable, often due to feelings of loyalty. Long-term relationships are of course valuable, but we must recognise that people and dynamics change all the time, so we should be willing to let go of any connections that are no longer beneficial to us. Since one individual cannot satisfy every friend’s requirement, it might be quite sensible to be more accommodating when it comes to making new social connections. Individual variations in emotional intelligence and emotional regulation must be taken into account and greater emotional intelligence may enable some people to better comprehend and control their emotions in regard to processing factual information regardless of their personal feelings.

It is crucial to remember that everyone has the capacity for development and change, so a balanced approach to each possible new friendship with a clear awareness of your own boundaries. A current friendship should be terminated if any Red Flags have been identified. To preserve your personal limits, you may need to have direct and frank conversation. Remember, those you may frequently regard as your friends are the ones that may also betray you, not those you think of as adversaries. My policy is to put aside my personal feelings, especially loyalty, and just look at the facts about the other person’s actions from an objective perspective.

(c) Nigel Beckles

Book How to Avoid Making The BIG Relationship Mistakes!

Available @ Amazon http://tinyurl.com/5c6cyrjm

Exposing the Narcissist

/in , /by

“Some people, in an attempt to mask their shortcomings dig lies so deep, they end up drowning in a sea of their own delusions!” ― Carlos Wallace, Life Is Not Complicated -You Are: Turning Your Biggest Disappointments Into Your Greatest Blessings

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a psychological condition characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a lack of empathy, and an intense need for admiration. Individuals with NPD often have an inflated sense of their own importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, and a belief that they are unique and entitled to special treatment. These traits can significantly impact their relationships and interactions with others, as they may exploit or manipulate those around them to meet their own needs. While not everyone with narcissistic traits meets the criteria for a clinical diagnosis of NPD, these traits can still exert a notable influence on their behaviour and the way they relate to the world. Often, they attempt to conceal their true personalities and intentions because they know being exposed for who they truly are will usually result in rejection. Understanding the dynamics of NPD and its variations in individuals can provide important insights regarding how these individuals interact with others. According to credible research and my experiences, when a Narcissist becomes aware that someone has figured them out or sees through their facade, their response can vary depending on the individual and the specific circumstances. Reactions to being exposed can include:

Defensive Denial

They may vehemently deny any accusations or insights that expose their true nature, becoming defensive, dismissive, or even counterattacking by attempting to discredit the person who has seen through their false image. Gaslighting techniques can be attempted to make the other person doubt their own perceptions and maintain control over the narrative.

Charm Offensive

In some cases, when a Narcissist realises that they have been exposed, they may try to win the person back by employing charm and manipulation. They may shower the individual with excessive compliments, promises of change, or gifts in an effort to regain their trust and admiration.

Discard and Disengage

If they believe that the person who has seen through their mask poses a threat to their grandiose self-image or could potentially expose them to others, they may choose to discard and distance themselves from that individual. This can involve abruptly ending the relationship, cutting off contact, or devaluing and demeaning the person to invalidate their insights.

Image Management

These individuals are highly concerned with their public image and may go to great lengths to protect it. If they sense that someone has figured them out, they may engage in damage control by spreading false narratives, twisting the truth, or seeking alliances with others who can help maintain their image and discredit the person who has uncovered their true nature.

Manipulative Tactics

Narcissists are skilled at manipulating others to serve their own agenda. If they believe that someone has seen through their manipulation tactics, they may alter their approach and employ different strategies to regain control and continue their narcissistic supply. This can involve playing the victim, using guilt or pity, or employing other emotional manipulation techniques.

Narcissistic Rage 

The fear of losing their false sense of superiority and admiration from others is usually what triggers this extreme defensive mechanism. Narcissistic Rage is a strong and intense emotional reaction that occurs when their fragile self-image and grandiosity are threatened or when their true nature is exposed. This reaction can manifest in various ways, ranging from verbal outbursts and aggressive behaviours to manipulative tactics aimed at regaining control and dominance. When faced with the possibility of being seen as flawed or inferior, they often respond with extreme defensiveness, anger, and a need to reassert their superiority. This volatile reaction serves to protect their fragile egos and maintain the illusion they have created.

It is important to note that every Narcissist is unique, and their responses can vary depending on their specific personality traits, level of narcissistic traits, and the dynamics of the situation. Additionally, not all individuals with narcissistic tendencies will exhibit these exact behaviours, as personality traits can manifest differently in different people. Understanding their responses to the possibility of being exposed can help individuals who have discovered the truth navigate the situation with caution and self-care. It is strongly recommended that personal boundaries be established and enforced immediately. Seek support from trusted individuals and, if necessary, seek professional guidance when dealing with a suspected Narcissist.

© Nigel Beckles 25th August 2023

Abusive Relationships & Personal Boundaries

/in /by

“And remember: if your boundaries are being crossed by your partner, it is not first and foremost your partner’s fault, although they do carry responsibility for their own behaviour and lack of awareness. However, it is your responsibility to ensure that your own boundaries are healthy.” – Gabriella Kortsch, Emotional Unavailability and Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Abusive relationships can range from being covertly manipulative to overtly abusive, as in physical and sexual abuse. Perpetrators can be very insidious, and the damage they are inflicting may not always be obvious until the abuser has established control. Setting clear restrictions with the abuser and maintaining no contact can be crucial for emotional recovery. The lack of healthy boundaries is usually the reason why abuse often occurs repeatedly due to:

Passive Response to Boundary Violations

  • Allowing someone to abuse you indicates issues around low self-esteem, fear, and insecurity.
  • Avoidant behaviour includes avoiding any conflict or confrontation which is not compatible with being respected. A willingness to confront issues within a relationship is important for handling conflicts effectively.

Co-dependency

Co-dependent relationships often result in a person deriving their sense of worth from a potential abuser. These relationships are usually very dysfunctional, while healthy relationships are those where a person retains their sense of self. Abusers have a tendency towards particular behaviours, including:

Lying

Abusers can be deceitful and unfaithful. If you are in a relationship where you suspect that you are constantly being lied to or cheated on, this is an unhealthy situation. If a relationship does not consist of consistent, honest interaction, it is headed for suspicion and unhappiness.

Addictions and Abuse

Many abusers are also substance abusers, whether it be alcohol or illegal or prescribed drugs. When addiction is a factor, there can also be issues with financial irresponsibility, emotional damage, dependency, and physical or emotional abuse. Not everyone can be saved from themselves, and it’s not another person’s responsibility to save someone who has addiction issues.

Controlling

Controlling partners are often abusive. A healthy relationship naturally includes respect and freedom for both parties. A controlling relationship lacks personal freedom and results in feelings of entrapment, stifling the victim and damaging the relationship. If you are involved in a relationship where you feel:

  • Guilty for addressing your own needs.
  • That you have been verbally abused, demeaned, humiliated, insulted, or assaulted.
  • Used, threatened, or unsafe.

Then it is very likely that your partner is abusive. As these types of abusive relationships tend to get worse, it is very important to learn how to protect yourself and keep yourself safe. In many cases, the abuse may continue because the victim has been bullied into subjugation. Any behaviour designed to degrade, humiliate, insult, manipulate, or punish by deliberately attacking a person’s self-esteem or personality is emotional abuse. The first step is recognising the abuse and understanding that it is never acceptable. Stating a boundary does not mean you are seeking validation of your feelings; it means you are seeking to be treated with respect. If the request is met with a defensive or angry reaction, or worse, this should be considered a huge red flag. 

Warning signs or actual abuse should never be ignored. The majority of abusers will be in denial about their behaviour, but some may agree to attend therapy. Setting boundaries with an abuser who agrees to modify their behaviour may be an option, but this should be considered very carefully. In these circumstances, it is possible to set certain rules while monitoring his or her actions to see if they follow through and seek help. If there is a genuine change by the abuser with the support of professional therapy, there may be a chance for the relationship, but hard-core abusers rarely change. Developing effective limits when engaging with others includes:  

  • Eliminating any dependent tendencies.
  • Refusing to be manipulated.
  • Developing a healthy detachment from others.
  • Building trust.
  • Dealing with intimacy effectively.
  • Improving assertive behaviour.

This involves accepting personal responsibility for one’s own behaviour and actions as well as developing self-control to effectively communicate with others. Additionally, individuals must learn to handle conflict and overcome any fears or insecurities that may arise in these situations, including the need for approval or fear of rejection. Confrontation can be difficult, but it is essential to effectively communicate and uphold personal boundaries.

“Playing the victim role: The manipulator portrays himself or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else’s behaviour in order to gain pity, sympathy, or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering, and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get co-operation.” – George K. Simon Jr., In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

Overcoming the mindset of being a victim or martyr is crucial for setting and maintaining effective personal boundaries in relationships. By following these recommendations, individuals can experience healthier relationships with others and greater overall satisfaction in their lives. Manipulators can be very persistent, so do not be surprised if someone attempts to pressure you into doing something you do not really want to do even after you have made your position clear. When a person is in an abusive relationship with a partner who keeps crossing their boundaries, they should get help as soon as possible and plan how to leave. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and should not accept abuse or being made to feel worthless, disrespected, or afraid by their partner or anyone else. By setting boundaries, seeking support, and focusing on your own well-being, you can mitigate the impact of abuse. Seeking professional support and taking legal action if necessary are important steps towards ensuring your safety and emotional recovery.     

(C) Nigel Beckles 14th August 2023