Toxic people who waste people’s time in romantic relationships can have a detrimental impact on one’s emotional well-being and overall happiness. These individuals often exhibit manipulative and self-centred behaviours that drain their partner’s time, energy, and resources. They lack genuine commitment and may constantly create drama or engage in repetitive cycles of conflict. In Part 2 of Toxic Time Wasters I explore some more key characteristics and Red flags.

The Victim

“It is not uncommon for someone to be a self-saboteur and compound that by also having a victim mentality. It is as though they are holding their own breath and then blaming others for their inability to breathe.” Steve Maraboli, Behavioural & Science Academic, Speaker & Author

People with a victim mentality usually have low self-esteem, don’t take pride in themselves, and think that they are always at the mercy of other people and events. They constantly blame others for their problems and believe life is very unfair and generally out to get them. These people will act like they are victims of circumstances or other people’s actions, which can make it hard to see at first that they are the ones who are making themselves unhappy. It is important to understand your own motivations for offering assistance and becoming involved in someone else’s problems, especially if you have a pattern of doing so. The majority of people are decent human beings, and we all like to feel that we are kind, compassionate, and intelligent, so when someone approaches us for advice, this can make us feel capable. There is nothing wrong with helping others, but lacking self-awareness, the ‘help’ offered can be motivated more by our ego’s need to feel important than a genuine desire to be of assistance. Becoming involved with someone who appears to be a victim, especially if you’re a compassionate or empathic person with a tendency to help others, can be very easy to do. Those with the victim mindset will approach family, friends, or their partner with various ‘problems’, yet when any sensible suggestions are made, they usually respond with words like “Yes, but…” or “That won’t really work…” and other excuses. You could come up with the most sensible, practical, and “doable” solutions to their ‘problem,” but they will always find a reason not to follow your advice.

“Victims declare, ‘The world is responsible for me’ and never do anything to improve their quality of life.” Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better And That Anyone Can Do

The victim can use their “problems” as a way of appearing “interesting” or as a ploy to make or maintain some kind of connection, as they seldom feel worthy of being liked or appreciated on their own merits. If you meet this type, they may be genuinely interested in you, but deep down inside, they will not actually believe they deserve to have a relationship with anyone. The “problem” is that they need help, which can be used as an excuse to connect with you or to maintain contact. Frequently, they will discuss their difficulties simply as a way of gaining your attention and keeping you interested. When a person looks sad or distressed, it’s natural to feel sympathy; for example, you may think he or she is basically a “good” person who has just been “unlucky” or taken advantage of. Perhaps he or she is just confused about how to resolve their particular problem. Before you realise what’s really happening, you can be hooked into “helping him or her out” and fall into a relationship based on trying to solve their perceived or real-life predicament.

Reality Check!

“You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

The victim seeks constant reassurance to boost their low self-esteem, which is the exact opposite of a person who feels good about themselves and naturally shares their love from a secure emotional foundation. Any suggestions or solutions offered that may solve his or her ‘problems’ will be eventually rejected. This can be extremely annoying and frustrating. They often suffer from chronic low self-esteem and aren’t really interested in finding solutions to their problems, real or perceived; they are only interested in complaining, blaming, and seeking sympathy or attention. Becoming involved with someone who has this toxic flaw will inevitably make you feel like you’re carrying a heavy emotional burden. Any feelings of attraction or sympathy you may have will be eventually replaced by an attitude of indifference or even boredom.

Dating

“We cannot have a world where everyone is a victim. ‘ I’m this way because my father made me this way. I’m this way because my husband made me this way.’ Yes, we are indeed formed by the traumas that happen to us. But then you must take charge; you must take over; you are responsible.” Camille Paglia, American Academic and Social Critic

There are abusers who are very sly guilt-trip experts. They present themselves in a sympathetic light to effectively tap into the primal female trait of being nurturing and supportive. The victim will probably share vivid stories of being badly betrayed by the people they trusted or claim his or her good intentions have been greatly misunderstood. There will be heart-breaking stories about how their ex-partner abused them, and if they had children together, he or she may claim their partner has been restricting or preventing contact. This is a manipulation strategy designed to enlist your support while subtly encouraging you to:

• Dislike his or her former partner.
• Participate in their campaign to smear her reputation.
• Support him or her in some type of access or custody battle over any children with their ex-partner.

Before you begin to believe their tales of being mistreated, take a step back and consider if you have noticed any of the following:

• Frequently complains about his or her life. Blames people from their past, e.g., ex-partners, ex-friends, parents (the government!), etc., for any current problems.
• Always bitter or depressed due to being jealous of the happiness and success of others.
• He frequently makes comparisons that ‘prove’ he is inferior or that his life is seriously lacking in some way.
• He or she looks upset, sad, or miserable most of the time, and you have to practically interrogate him or her to find out what the “problem” is.
• Usually complains or sulks about other people or situations and is rarely assertive.
• Is often seething, resentful, or angry.

A person with a victim mentality may also feel sad or miserable all the time, even when others try to cheer them up or make them feel loved. They tend to resist offers of help or suggestions, often objecting to proposals as unrealistic or doomed to fail. They frequently have negative moods, constantly finding things to complain about or be upset by. Individuals with a victim mentality may not understand why bad things always seem to happen to them and often indulge in self-pity. Rather than taking action, they frequently procrastinate and complain about potential negative outcomes. They may also struggle to find solutions to unhappy situations and feel trapped by their circumstances. Those with a victim mentality can have poor personal boundaries and seek advice from others, but they may ignore or belittle any advice given. They tend to be problem-focused and often expect the worst to happen.

If you’re dating, pay attention! Does he or she blame his ex-partner for everything that went wrong, claiming to be the victim? You may find these complaints reassuring, as this indicates their ex-partner is definitely out of the picture. If they consistently assert that all of their previous partners have mistreated and misunderstood them, pay close attention because this suggests a victim mentality. They may even believe this kind of attitude gives him or her some sort of power or control over their ex-partner, as they continue to blame others for their pain or problems. While it is quite normal to feel hurt or even some bitterness after a relationship breakdown, they should still be able to understand why their ex-partner was unhappy with them and how they contributed to the split.

“When you choose to live as a victim, you will never become victorious.” Maria Koszler, Author

Ask questions about how they handled the relationship generally and what happened immediately before and during the breakup. If the person becomes defensive or quickly changes the subject, this indicates they might not be telling the whole truth or may have something to hide. When a person totally degrades his or her ex-partner, claiming everything was the ex-partner’s fault, this can indicate he or she was the abuser, regardless of their claims of being victimised. When you are interacting with the victim, you may:

• Often feel anxious, depressed, or negative.
• Start to binge on carbohydrates or comfort foods.
• You constantly feel physically tired or emotionally drained, but you cannot understand why.

If they insist on blaming their ex-partner for everything while failing to accept a degree of responsibility for the failure of their previous relationship(s), this should serve as a very serious red flag. The reality is that a man or woman who constantly blames their ex-partner for everything will struggle to accept love and support from you or anyone else.

Already Involved

“The victim mindset dilutes human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.” Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

If you are in a relationship with someone who has a victim mentality, the union is likely to be unhealthy, out of balance, and unhappy a great deal of the time. They will often seethe with resentment instead of expressing their anger directly; this resentment and negative attitude will be quite apparent as he or she fails to take any action or responsibility. A favourite tactic is appearing to be upset, which is designed to make you feel guilty, as openly displaying any anger or hostility runs the risk of losing your sympathy and support. It is likely your partner constantly accuses you of failing to make a genuine effort to truly love, appreciate, or understand him or her. They will often claim to have been victimised by you, their boss, their parents, or their friends, distorting the truth or having a tendency to be paranoid. People with a victim mindset refuse to take responsibility, and their problems are always someone else’s fault. The reality is:

• Whatever you try, his or her general negative attitude will remain unchanged.
• Nothing you do for them will ever be sufficient.
• Whatever you give will never be enough.

Abusers can present themselves as innocent of any nasty behaviour towards other people. “Victim Pretenders” are usually very self-centred individuals who are only capable of seeing their own perceived hurt and pain, even when it is totally fabricated. They frequently present themselves as wounded and helpless individuals, making it difficult for their partners to break free from the toxic relationship, as they are often unaware they are being emotionally abused. Victim-pretenders cannot maintain a healthy interpersonal relationship but instead use manipulative tactics to prevent any type of meaningful partnership or relationship growth. Their relationships always revolve around his or her pain and emotional wounds; staying with them without taking action to address the situation will inevitably cause further damage to your own self-esteem. It would also be a very good idea to explore your own motivations for being in this type of relationship, as you could be subconsciously trying to ‘rescue’ your partner. A person involved in this type of relationship should seriously consider seeking professional counselling or therapy support, as this type of interaction is highly dysfunctional. Attending couples’ counselling or therapy may be useful while seeking to build a healthy partnership, but if your partner refuses to seek help to cure their constant negative attitude, the only sensible course of action is to end the relationship.

“Narcissistic abuse plays the victim role: the manipulator portrays himself or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else’s behaviour in order to gain pity, sympathy, or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering, and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.” George K. Simon Jr., In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

It will always be in your best interests to spend time with people who love, nurture, and encourage you instead of those who deliberately or unconsciously drain you of your emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. In relationships, it’s important for couples to respect each other’s needs, and you should not feel guilty or selfish for honouring and protecting your own wellbeing. If your partner refuses to get help or cooperate with improving the relationship, you should begin planning to leave as soon as possible. I have been involved with this type of person, and it was incredibly draining. I should have left the relationship sooner than I actually did because the emotional price I paid was just too high. If you allow it, being involved with people who have a victim mindset will waste a lot of your time and energy. If you have a tendency to embark on “rescue mission” relationships, you’re more likely to become involved with this type of person. They may not seem toxic at first, but eventually he or she will drain you mentally and emotionally. Burying your head in the sand and ignoring any concerns regarding his or her attitude will eventually lead to feelings of resentment.

The Energy Vampire

“Yes, the people around us can be insensitive, narcissistic, toxic, and sometimes even abusive, but it is up to us to take that energy on or let it flow through us. No one is responsible for taking away our happiness but us.” Aletheia Luna, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological, and Spiritual Healing

The emotional or energy vampire can be exciting, charming, and seductive at first, but as soon as you become involved, they begin to drain you—not of your blood but of the very last drop of your emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. People who drain your energy manipulate your willingness to excessively listen to and care for them, which usually leaves you feeling exhausted and possibly even overwhelmed. This behaviour may not be intentional, but the results are always the same. A study conducted by the University of Bielefeld in Germany in 2016 discovered that plants often absorb the energy of other plants. Olivia Bader-Lee decided to investigate further because she believed the human body is similar to a sponge, constantly absorbing the different energies around each of us. If you are a positive, constructive person, energy vampires will deplete and exhaust you; the gradual decline may not be detected until you are completely depleted. They can appear to be understanding and kind at first, but this is just a performance to obtain your trust and attention. These individuals are also very good at setting up unsuspecting victims for repeat ‘feedings,” eventually draining them dry. They will waste your time and drain your energy in numerous ways, including:

• Negative topics.
• Sharing their problems or burdens.
• Situations they are involved with make him or her unhappy.
• Discussing how others may have treated them poorly.
• Talking about problems with their job, family, partner, work, or health.
• I’m asking for your advice.

They use different strategies to drain others, and their behaviour could be deliberate or subconscious. Vampires can even inflict damage to your self-esteem with the sly negative comments they make that make you feel bad about yourself or are designed to lead you to believe you’re unworthy and unlovable. When a person has any issues with self-esteem, they will often exploit those weaknesses to make sure the target feels even worse about themselves.

“This is exactly why there are people who feel uncomfortable when they are in a certain group with a mixture of energy and emotions. The human body is very similar to a plant that suckers, absorbs the energy needed to feed your emotional state, and can energise the cells, increase the amount of cortisol, catabolize, and feed the cells depending on the emotional need.” Olivia Bader-Lee, Psychologist and Therapist

Energy Vampire Red Flags

• They do not take responsibility.
• Always involved in some kind of drama.
• Diminish your problems and play up their own.
• Often acts like a martyr
• Uses your good nature and intentions against you.

They can be charming and know how to use that to their advantage, or they can be moody or even depressed. When they have depleted a person’s energy, this can improve their own mood at the expense of the target. There is a tendency to sneak away from trouble when problems arise and quickly blame any problems on someone else.

Recommendations 

Watch your own body language.

Energy vampires often use non-verbal cues to assess if they can pull someone into their drama. Your facial expressions and other cues can be considered signs of encouragement. If you offer a limited response and only make short statements, you can conserve your own energy.

Adjust Expectations

Realistically adjust your expectations, which may mean not giving advice when they tell you about their problems. If you have problems, avoid discussing them with him or her. You cannot fix or cure an energy vampire.

Seriously consider cutting contact completely.

Energy vampires demand a great deal from the people they target. The continuous drain on your personal emotional and mental resources can have a very negative impact on your well-being, which can result in excess stress, anxiety, depression, or even heart disease. If you notice energy-draining behaviours, pay attention. The more time you spend with this person, the more energy will be drained from you. These individuals are human leeches that will drain your emotional and mental energy until you are internally desolate.

Establish healthy boundaries.

• Develop areas of your life where you won’t allow the person to enter.
• If they call, text, or visit, strictly limit the interaction.
• Never agree to meet at social gatherings, and avoid places where he or she might be present.
• If the vampire is at your place of work, limit any interactions.

If you’re romantically involved with or living with a suspected vampire and keep feeling drained, arrange to spend some time apart for a few days. There may be objections to this decision, but you should insist that you need some space for a while. During your time apart, he or she may try to get in touch with you and say that they are tired, sad, or feeling ignored. If you feel your energy coming back or being restored, it is likely that the vampire has been taking your emotional and physical energy. There are people who refuse to accept responsibility for their own emotional maturity, and that is not your responsibility.

“An energy vampire can never “steal” energy from us unless we consciously or unconsciously permit them to.” Mateo Sol, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological, and Spiritual Healing

We all like to complain about our problems from time to time, and this can be a healthy thing to do in some situations. When it happens all the time, though, it can become a big problem. Learning how to identify and respond to this type of behaviour can help you protect yourself from a great deal of emotional and physical distress. One of the most effective ways of protecting yourself is to set and maintain effective, healthy personal boundaries to prevent yourself from being negatively impacted. Always remember that protecting yourself should be your top priority. Recognising energy-draining conduct by others and deciding to limit or eradicate these types of behaviours will result in protecting your personal well-being.

Reasonable relationship expectations

Time

Every relationship is based on sharing quality time together. If he or she rarely or never has time for you or consistently rations the time spent together, you are wasting your time. It doesn’t matter how busy your lives are; you should always be able to make time for each other. A partner who isn’t interested in you as a person may be in the relationship just to avoid being alone or to use you for their convenience.

Respect

A good partner shows respect for you and your boundaries. There may be disagreements, but there is no name-calling or ridicule from a respectful partner.

Compete Honesty

You should expect and be given complete and total honesty at all times. Without honesty, your relationship lacks a solid foundation.

Trust

You should be able to trust your partner without reservation or hesitation. You should feel safe together, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Affection

Your partner may tell you this with words or touch, and he or she will be able to show it clearly.

Compassion

They don’t have to feel the same way you do, but they should sympathise or empathise.

Emotional and mental support

Expecting your partner to be there for you through it all is very reasonable. You’re not just friends and lovers; you’re a team that should be working together.

Consideration

A considerate partner thinks about how his or her behaviour affects you and shows you the courtesy of considering things from your point of view.

Personal Time Alone

It is very healthy to spend a decent amount of time alone so you can gather your thoughts and pursue your own interests. You should also expect to be granted privacy when required.

Mutual Respect

Each person should ideally show an interest in their partner’s activities, opinions, thoughts, and feelings.

Equal Partnership

Even if one person makes substantially more money than their partner, there should be a balance of equality within the relationship. It is reasonable to expect to be treated as an equal.

Sex

This is a big part of a relationship that gives physical pleasure, comfort, and a sense of closeness. Enjoying a healthy, active sexual life greatly enhances intimate relationships.

Intimacy

Intimacy is not the same as sex. Genuine intimacy means being familiar with each other on an emotional, mental, and physical level.

Summary of Toxic Time Wasters

Even when we try our best to find someone special, dating can be very hard. There will be situations where it can be very challenging to accept that we are wasting our time dating someone or choosing to remain in an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship. Pay attention to any potential red flags and have the courage to make decisions that are in your own best interests.

(C) Nigel Beckles 21st May 2023