Toxic Time Wasters: Part 1

“You don’t have to wait for someone to treat you bad repeatedly. All it takes is once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future.” – Jane Green, Bookends

There are people who are willing to stay in low-quality and unsatisfying relationships. They do not like being alone and fail to see that being happy on your own is clearly a much preferable option than being stuck in a relationship that is stagnant, perhaps even abusive, and not going anywhere. When a relationship is positive and stimulating, we are generally happier, experience less stress, and have fewer mental health problems. When you’re with a good partner, he or she should help you improve as a person. With a solid base of support from a partner, you can feel more comfortable taking chances and seeking to achieve greater personal goals. Our relationship improves as we grow, with more excitement, deeper bonds, and less boredom. When you first meet someone new, naturally questions are asked as you get to ‘know’ each other, but sometimes we can be blindsided (or lied to) because there are people who are very good at saying the right thing or what we want to hear. If you become involved with a person who has misrepresented themselves, they can waste a great deal of your time if you decide to remain involved.

The Emotionally Unavailable

“All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.” – Bel Hooks, All About Love: New Visions

Establishing a genuine bond with someone who is emotionally unavailable is very difficult and can waste a great deal of your time. While you’re trying to get closer, your partner will be trying to avoid making a connection or will expend a lot of energy suppressing his feelings. When a person is very effective at avoiding how they feel, they can confuse themselves or even end up not feeling much of anything. Men and women with this type of issue often end up being totally unaware of their own emotions because they honestly don’t know how they really feel. If you are involved with a person who is emotionally unavailable, the best you can hope for are occasional, brief glimpses of positive emotion when their feelings escape, or ‘leak out’.

Causes

When a child feels abandoned as a result of divorce or the death of a parent during their formative years, they may struggle as adults to make or keep relationship commitments. The divorce or separation of a child’s parents can have a terrible effect on the child’s feelings and sense of self-worth, which may affect how the child acts in relationships as an adult. Parents who are addicted to alcohol or drugs, whether illegal or prescribed, may not leave their children physically, but the child is not likely to get enough care and love from them. Parents who failed to show each other love and affection, were cold and distant, or lived in constant conflict, often leave a child without a positive example or emotional ‘template’ of what a stable relationship should look and feel like. This can cause problems in adulthood as the person struggles to demonstrate love and affection in appropriate ways.

Dating

“When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier.” – Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

When you’re dating or considering dating someone new, it’s important to ask the right questions and then assess the answers to avoid the possibility of wasting time in a relationship later on.

Has he or she experienced any emotional trauma as a child?
How severe was the trauma?
Is he or she self-aware? Does he or she clearly understand how any unhealed damage will impact their ability to relate to and function within a relationship?
Does he or she still carry emotional baggage from a dysfunctional family that hasn’t been fixed?
Is he or she insecure and putting old emotional wounds and fears on you while insisting you’re the problem?
Has he or she taken the time to look into themselves so that any emotional problems can be solved?
Has he/she attended counselling or therapy to resolve any emotional issues?

Pay close attention to whether or not he or she tends to make jokes, talk in a light-hearted way, or change the subject when asked about how they feel. People who suppress their emotions can be in denial about how they feel and have often developed strategies to deflect any conversation that may reveal their true emotional state. If your love interest says he or she doesn’t know how they feel, this could be the truth but could also be a tactic to evade the question. Do not be fooled by good looks or any other qualities that you may find appealing. These types of people will inevitably leave you feeling unfulfilled and possibly bitter while you try to maintain a very one-sided relationship.

Dating Red Flags

“There should never be a time you make time for people who waste your time.” – Carlos Wallace, Author

Pay attention to any warning signs, even if they show love, affection, and promise a bright future as they pursue you. Abusers do not reveal themselves right away and will wait until they are certain you are emotionally attached before revealing themselves. If you are dating someone, pay attention to their behaviour, specifically if he or she is:

Jealous or possessive.
Insists on having his or her way or fails to compromise.
Outbursts of anger.
Rude to others and.
Criticizes you or your family.

Identifying red flags during the dating stage or at the beginning of a relationship can be difficult for anyone to recognise and the possibility of meeting more than one potential abuser while on the dating scene is very real. Do not ignore any warning signs, no matter how much he or she loves you, shows affection, and promises a great future. Abusers do not reveal themselves at first. Instead, they wait until they are sure you are emotionally invested before becoming abusive. If you suspect you are dating an emotional abuser, stop seeing him or her immediately and firmly decline any further contact.

Already Involved

“If you try to make plans with an emotional unavailable person, it’s like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands, slippery and frustrating. They may be busy, tired, stressed overworked, or broke… Whatever the reason, their excuses mean they are not open to long lasting love or an intimate connection at this time. Move along.” – Shannon Kaiser, Get Unstuck: How to Find Your Calling & Live a Life With More Meaning

Adults can have problems dealing with conflicts if they grew up in an environment where they witnessed huge amounts of turmoil, anger, or rage. Men and women with these kinds of problems often try not to talk about relationship problems, potential conflicts, or how they feel. This makes it hard for them to deal with even small problems or conflicts. Attempting to discuss and resolve any problems or trying to discover what is causing a low mood will usually be futile. Their emotional unavailability will itself become a major source of conflict. Typical Emotionally Unavailable behaviours include:

Dictates the Terms of the Relationship

Everything is on their terms, and they can be incredibly selfish, with an attitude that says the world should revolve solely around them. The relationship is solely at their convenience, so they will see you when it suits them and will disappear if they think you are making ‘unreasonable’ requests or have ‘unreasonable’ expectations.

Resets the ‘Relationship’ On Their Terms

Often, they disappear for a period of time, during which they think it is just enough for you to forgive their behaviour. When he or she reappears in your life, they seek to carry on as normal or wherever he or she left off, whatever is comfortable to them.

Controls Your Expectations

Claims they want to be in a relationship, but when you expect them to make a consistent effort, he or she simply cannot deliver the basics. The goal is to manage your expectations until you accept everything on their terms. Unless you draw the line, it is likely you will end up as just a sex buddy who visits at their convenience.

Irresponsible

Refuses to take responsibility. If you challenge their behaviour, he will often resort to projecting the blame onto you.

Lazy Communication

They usually prefer to communicate vaguely or via email and text, which allows them to maintain emotional distance.

Inconsistent

Can be extremely attentive for a short time before disappearing. When he or she eventually makes contact, there is little or no explanation for their behaviour.

False Promises

During the ‘honeymoon’ phase at the beginning of the relationship, they discuss future plans, including engagement, moving in together, or even getting married. This leads you to believe they are serious, but this tactic is designed to lead you into a false sense of security. While you are focused on possible relationship bliss in the future, he or she will be obtaining what they want in the present. They will make promises big and small but rarely, if ever, delivers.

Resistant to Meeting Your Friends or Family

Often refuses to meet your family and friends, which inhibits the typical progression of a healthy relationship. If you are already involved and find it difficult to get close on an emotional level, and your partner often feels insecure without reasonable grounds, this behaviour could be caused by his childhood experiences. When a child feels rejected or abandoned, they can be mistrustful, possessive, insecure, or jealous in their adult relationships. A partner who is unwilling to try and heal their issues may fiercely resist and shut down any attempts to get them to open up. When this happens, all of the suppressed emotions can eventually cause an explosion of fear and raw emotion. While your partner may have experienced a difficult childhood, do not make excuses for them or ‘work’ to prove you’re worthy of being loved.

“Emotionally unavailable means not fully emotionally present. It’s struggling or being unable to access emotions healthily and as a result, being emotionally distant due to ‘walls’ which basically act as barriers to true emotional intimacy.” – Natalie Lue, Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl

A person who has problems sharing their feelings must be willing to make a real effort to open up and trust their partner. Open and effective communication is important for any realistic prospect of a relationship’s growth or even survival. Couples can work on improving the situation if they are serious about saving the relationship by carrying out research online, attending professional therapy, counselling, or workshops, or seeking advice from books. The Emotionally Unavailable will never be able to contribute to a healthy relationship until he or she is prepared to take a long, honest look at themselves and begins to make a genuine effort to change. When one partner has trouble showing how they feel, it can make the other person doubt their own ability to form and keep a healthy relationship. After being with someone who is emotionally unavailable, it can be very easy to lose confidence. Often, the ex-partner is left with feelings of ‘unfinished business’ and nagging doubts that the relationship didn’t fulfil its full potential. Inside, the person may hold the belief that certain things could have been done differently to make it work. An Emotionally Unavailable partner will eventually leave you feeling:

Miserable
Angry
Cheated
Manipulated
Starved and desperate for love

There are many emotionally stunted single men and women, and you’re very likely to meet at least one of them at some point. These individuals can present themselves very well during the dating stages, but eventually it becomes draining as their partner struggles to understand what is really happening. They usually end up feeling disappointed and used.

“Her superpower was picking emotionally unavailable partners, and she doubted she’d get a better offer.” – Helen Oyeyemi, What Is Not Yours Is Not Yours

When discussing your relationship with your partner, pay attention to any sudden changes in subject during conversations. One of the major risks of dating someone who is unable or unwilling to maintain an emotional connection is that it can make you doubt your own ability to form and sustain a healthy relationship while sharing a genuine emotional connection. If you suspect a potential partner has major issues and is unwilling to seek therapy or support, seriously consider walking away. A relationship with a person who is emotionally unavailable for whatever reason is a totally unworkable proposition.

Attractions to the Emotionally Unavailable

“In our emotional lives this also leads us to be attracted – as we have seen – to those people who have attained (or stagnated at) the same level of emotional maturity as we.” – Gabriella Kortsch, Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Do you have a pattern of becoming involved with partners who struggle to be emotionally available? If so, take heed. Our subconscious minds often try to bring back memories from our childhoods to help us solve problems. When a child doesn’t get enough love and attention, they may try to recreate the situation that made them unhappy as a child. Subconsciously, they attract people who assist in recreating their childhood scenarios while they try to resolve their unfinished business. Alternatively, if a youngster observes either their parent or carer struggling to receive love from their partner or sees a partner having to work hard to receive love and affection, the young child may conclude this type of behaviour is ‘normal’. They grow into adults who believe normal, loving couples act in this way and subconsciously recreate the role of the parent or caretaker who struggled to receive love. Often, these children become adults who subconsciously attract partners who are emotionally unavailable.

“You do not have to fix the whole equation. You do have to fix your part of it. This is done by accepting complete, 100 percent responsibility for everything you are thinking, feeling, doing, or not doing. It is letting go of blaming ANYone for ANYthing. It is growing up and being an adult.” – Patti Henry, The Emotionally Unavailable Man

Men and women who have low self-esteem often end up with partners who confirm and reinforce their low opinions of themselves. This makes them feel like they don’t deserve to be loved, which makes them feel even worse about themselves. Alternatively, they can be desperate to be loved, which often results in them contributing far too much to their relationships and creating a union that is very unhealthy. Even if you have a strong sense of self-worth, you could still lose confidence if you break up with someone who is always emotionally unavailable. Following a split, there is often a feeling of unfinished business, nagging doubts that the relationship did not reach its full potential or that certain things could have been done differently to make it work. Don’t make excuses for any ex-partners who may have withheld their love or made you struggle to feel loved. Seriously, consider counselling or therapy, doing research online, or joining a support group to discover why you could be attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable.

Summary

Time-wasting relationships usually happen when red flags are ignored or we fail to see the other person for who and what they really are once we become involved. While giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them a chance is often normal, it is not sensible to allow them to stay if they are wasting your time. Men and women can be attracted to you, but that doesn’t change their behaviour. They may desire you, but that does not mean they value you or your time. If they fail to cultivate a genuine connection or just have particular personality traits that are not conducive to a healthy and growing partnership, this can become very frustrating. If your partner isn’t supporting your personal growth and goals, you need to seriously consider whether you really want to continue in a relationship.

I have been involved with a toxic time waster in the past, and trust me when I say investing energy into a so called relationship was a big mistake! It can be argued that when a relationship fails, we can still learn important lessons about ourselves, other people, and perhaps most importantly, what we really want from a relationship. However, none of us has the ability to reclaim the emotional investment made or the months or even years of wasted time. When romantically involved with someone, it can be quite easy to slip into the habit of making excuses for his or her behaviour. There will be situations where it can be very challenging to accept that we are wasting our time dating someone or choosing to remain in an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship. The reality is that engaging with a toxic time-waster can be a massive waste of time and resources that cannot ever be recovered. Pay attention to any potential red flags and have the courage to make decisions that are in your own best interests.

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