“You deserved a parent who saw you, not through you.” — Karyl McBride, Author

Adults ‘Divorcing’ Parents

“You deserved a parent who saw you, not through you.” — Karyl McBride, Author

Last month Oprah Winfrey published a podcast online entitled ‘Oprah Explores the Rising Trend of Going No Contact with Your Family’ which has received considerable backlash online regarding the use of the word ‘trend’ because people have been doing this for decades. Prior to social media the only narratives frequently shared concerned family unity, ‘honouring your parents’, or religiously based opinions. The hostile reaction in part appears to be based on various observations that some of the discussions undermined the real trauma of survivors who have experienced emotional or physical abuse and felt their pain had been trivialized, as if they had cut off their family members for irrational reasons or were a part of some sort of fad rather than undertaking a viable self-preservation strategy. The internet and social media have had a surprisingly significant role in the rise of adults choosing to go No Contact with their toxic parents. Forums, blogs, and online communities allow people to recognize patterns of emotional abuse, neglect, or control that were previously normalized or dismissed. Those who may have grown up feeling confused, guilty, or ‘overly sensitive’ can suddenly see that their experiences fit a recognized pattern. Reading personal accounts or expert content can validate feelings that were long buried, providing the critical insight that some parental behaviours are indeed abusive, not just eccentric or difficult. Online communities focused on toxic parents, emotional neglect, or parental abuse create a sense of solidarity. Seeing others share their journeys, especially their decision to go No Contact and the outcomes helps normalize the idea that setting firm boundaries is not only acceptable but sometimes necessary.

Individuals are less likely to feel isolated or fear stigma when they realize they are not alone in these struggles. Social media has also made psychology more accessible, with psychologists, therapists, and mental health advocates breaking down concepts like narcissism, emotional invalidation, ‘Parentification’, and toxic control. This knowledge equips grown-ups with language to articulate their experiences and justifications for No Contact, reducing internal conflict or the “Am I overreacting?” doubts that used to keep people trapped in unhealthy relationships. Online platforms allows selective engagement without having to explain constantly to the wider world why a decision has been made to cease communication. This provides agency and encouragement to maintain personal boundaries.

“The single most important empowerment tool is to accept no excuses for hurtful, harmful, or inappropriate behaviour.” – Dr. George Simon, PhD.

Social media platforms amplify stories of both positive and negative outcomes from reconnecting or staying in toxic relationships. People can learn about potential legal, emotional, or financial implications, helping them make informed decisions. In effect, it reduces the mystique of “What if I go No Contact?” and frames the decision as a proactive, self-protective choice rather than an emotional overreaction. In short, the internet and social media provide both validation and practical tools: they help adults recognize abusive patterns, connect with peers who share similar experiences, educate themselves about emotional dynamics, and take tangible steps to protect themselves. It is this combination of knowledge, peer support, and actionable options that has contributed to more men and women feeling confident enough to make this decision.

More people are stepping back from their parents because they’re finally recognizing the emotional toll of maintaining a relationship that has never felt safe or nourishing. As people grow and become more self-aware, they start noticing the emotional patterns they once normalised like the dismissive comments, the unpredictable moods, the subtle guilt trips, or the complete absence of empathy. The belief of “This just how my family is…” begins to look more like emotional neglect or even abuse. With greater access to therapy, trauma education, and social conversations about dysfunctional families it is easier to understand that being biologically related does not guarantee an emotional connection and once you recognize a pattern as harmful, it becomes increasingly hard to keep accommodating it. For many, the real turning point is the realization that their parent is not simply flawed but consistently unwilling to change their behaviour. It can be a very painful gap between desire and reality that pushes people toward a decision they never imagined making by choosing distance over repeated emotional injury.

Common Myths

“It’s not your job to fix other people’s wounds; it’s your right to heal yours.” — Dr. Theresa J. Covert, Author

One of the strongest myths is the belief that going No Contact makes you a bad daughter or son. This idea is deeply rooted in cultural conditioning, where family loyalty is treated as absolute but the truth is far simpler. Protecting yourself does not make you disloyal; it means you’ve outgrown the role you were forced to play. Another myth is the fantasy that a parent will eventually change if you just try harder and many adults cling to this belief well into their forties or fifties because hope is powerful, and the longing for parental love never really disappears. But if someone has had decades to reflect and still refuses to take responsibility, the likelihood of a sudden transformation is extremely small. Holding on to this fiction delays healing and keeps you stuck in the same painful dance. People can confuse obligation with gratitude, but they are not the same thing. There can be the feeling that you ‘owe’ your parents unconditional access because they provided food, clothing, or shelter when you were young. However, providing basic care is the legal and moral responsibility of a parent; it is not a lifetime contract for unlimited emotional access or accepting abuse.

Another myth is the idea that deciding to go No Contact is dramatic or extreme. In reality the choice is made only after every other boundary has been ignored, twisted, or punished. The decision is usually the last, not the first, option when all attempts at seeking to be respected have failed. Finally there is the myth that this decision will leave the person full of regret and while the early stages can be painful and confusing, most people describe feeling lighter and more grounded once the dust settles. The regret people actually feel is not for leaving, but for staying so long in the hope that things would be different.

Psychological Stages

“Neglect from a parent is a silent wound that screams for healing.” — Susan Forward, Author

The decision to go No Contact rarely comes out of the blue. Most people move through a quiet psychological process long before they reach the point of cutting ties. It usually begins with a subtle awareness that something in the relationship feels “off,” even if they can’t yet articulate what that is. They may notice a hollow feeling after interactions with their parent, or a heaviness in their chest when the phone rings. This early discomfort is often dismissed as personal oversensitivity, because children raised by emotionally immature or toxic parents are conditioned to believe the problem is always them. The next stage is recognition. This tends to happen after repeated cycles of hurtful behaviour or a single incident that feels like the final straw. They begin connecting past experiences with present emotional reactions, and the puzzle pieces finally start forming a picture. Many describe this stage as both liberating and destabilising. Liberating because they finally understand the pattern. Destabilising because the truth challenges their loyalty. The mind starts wrestling with conflicting narratives: “I shouldn’t feel this way about my parent,” and “Yet I do.”

After recognition comes evaluation. This is where someone starts testing small boundaries, like limiting visits or taking longer to reply. These subtle shifts reveal a lot, as toxic parents usually escalate when they sense their emotional control slipping. That escalation, whether through guilt, criticism, or manufactured crisis, becomes further evidence that the dynamic has never been healthy. People then start imagining what distance might feel like. Not necessarily cutting ties completely, just the dream of peace but then comes the decision. It often arrives quietly, without drama or fanfare. A person simply reaches a point where the emotional cost outweighs the cultural or social expectations, the guilt, and the longing. It is not a choice made out of anger but often made out of emotional exhaustion. They stop trying to fix the unfixable and instead choose emotional survival. No Contact becomes a boundary, not a punishment.

Emotional Preparation

“Emotional neglect teaches you to survive, not thrive.” — Lindsay C. Gibson, Author

Emotionally preparing for No Contact is less about building walls and more about steadying yourself from the inside out. Most people underestimate how emotionally tangled they are with their parent, even when the relationship has been painful for years. Preparation begins with acknowledging that choosing distance doesn’t erase the history or the longing. You can love someone deeply and still need to protect yourself from them. Holding both truths at the same time is part of the emotional work. The next step is recognising the grief that comes with this decision. It’s not just the loss of the parent you have today, but the loss of the fantasy parent you hoped they would become. That grief can surface as sadness, guilt, anger, or even relief, and each emotion deserves space. Many people feel guilty simply for wanting peace, so it helps to remind yourself that choosing safety, stability, and self-respect is not cruelty but achieving clarity.

Preparing and strengthening your internal boundaries will be essential. Toxic parents are remarkably skilled at piercing emotional weak spots. They may guilt-trip, minimise, lash out, or play the victim. Knowing this ahead of time helps you stay anchored. Consider writing down the reasons for your decision. When the emotional storms come (and they usually do) you can return to that list and remind yourself of the reality you’re choosing to step away from. It can also be useful to build a support network, even if it consists of just one or two trusted people. Someone who understands, listens without judgement, and can gently remind you of why you made this choice can be invaluable. Emotional preparation is not about becoming cold or disconnected; it’s about developing enough internal steadiness to weather the discomfort that comes with choosing a healthier path.

“When parents are emotionally immature, they have trained you to either give too much or too little.” — Dr. Theresa J. Covert, Author

Cutting contact with a parent is rarely a clean break but tangled and usually emotionally charged. Guilt tends to be the first hurdle. Society has a way of insisting that loyalty to family is sacred, so choosing distance can feel like violating an unwritten rule. There is also grief for the parent you hoped for, the childhood you didn’t get, and the fantasy that maybe one day things might change. People can face backlash from siblings or relatives who do not understand the choice and may side with the parent simply because this easier than confronting the truth. Despite how heavy the process can be, many describe an unmistakable sense of relief when the emotional noise finally quiets down. Anxiety lessens because they’re no longer waiting for the next outburst or guilt-heavy message. Their nervous system gets a chance to settle. They discover that boundaries actually have meaning when they are not constantly being pushed or ignored. Emotional and mental space opens up, allowing healthier relationships to form because they’re no longer preoccupied with managing someone else’s chaos. Self-respect grows, slowly at first, then with more confidence as the distance becomes familiar. For some people they begin to feel at peace instead of to earn love and respect by pleasing, placating, or supressing themselves.

When someone has chosen to go No Contact with their parents or wider family, Christmas and other holidays can stir up a complicated mix of emotions. These moments are culturally framed as family-centred occasions, so the absence of those relationships can feel uncomfortable. A person may find themselves wrestling with guilt, even after making a decision that protects their wellbeing, because old conditioning whispers that family should always come first. There is also the social pressure from friends, co-workers, or extended relatives who might ask well-meaning but intrusive questions about holiday plans, leaving the person feeling exposed or misunderstood. Loneliness can also be a factor, not because the decision was wrong, but because traditions can carry memories that do not simply fade away. In addition, there can be a tug-of-war between relief and sadness; relief that there is no longer chaos, manipulation, or conflict to brace for, and sadness for the version of family life they never had but still wish existed. Sorrow can surface when the world seems to be celebrating togetherness, but these reactions do not mean the decision was misguided; they are simply reminders of how deep family dynamics run and how much courage it takes to choose emotional safety over obligation.

Handling Criticism

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” — Winston Churchill, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (1940-1945)

I made the decision to cease interactions with my family due to parental abuse. If you decide to go No Contact, you may quickly discover that not everyone will applaud your clarity. Some family members may react with shock, disbelief, or even aggression. Their criticism isn’t always malicious. Sometimes it comes from denial, fear, or their own unresolved guilt. Other times it’s because your decision forces them to confront truth they’d rather avoid. One of the most effective ways to navigate criticism is to remember that you don’t owe anyone a detailed justification. Short, calm statements are powerful because they give nothing away and shut down the invitation to debate. You don’t need to convince anyone. You don’t need them to understand because their lack of understanding does not invalidate your reality.