“Owing to a poorly defined sense of self, people with BPD rely on others for their feelings of worth and emotional caretaking. So fearful are they of feeling alone that they may act in desperate ways that quite frequently bring about the very abandonment and rejection they’re trying to avoid.” – Kimberlee Roth, Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

Welcome Back! This is part 2 of Relationships & Personality Disorders series. Previous articles available on this website.  

Borderline Personality Disorder

Interacting with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can present several challenges due to its nature. Individuals with BPD often experience intense emotional instability and fluctuate between extremes in their thoughts and behaviors. This can lead to rapid mood swings, a heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism, and a deep fear of abandonment. These emotional highs and lows can make it difficult to maintain stable relationships, as reactions might be disproportionate to the situation at hand. People with BPD may also struggle with impulsivity, which can lead to actions that are unpredictable or self-destructive. Additionally, they may experience feelings of emptiness or identity confusion, which can complicate interactions due to their fluctuating sense of self. When it comes to dating or getting to know someone you may suspect of having BPD, there are several red flags to be aware of:

• They experience an intense fear of abandonment, even in situations where there is no genuine threat of leaving. Their perception of others rapidly fluctuates, alternating between idealisation and devaluation, known commonly referred to as “splitting”.
• There are frequent emotional outbursts that appear out of proportion to the circumstances.
• Impulsive or self-destructive behaviors include reckless spending, substance abuse, or unsafe sexual practices.
• A sense of self that lacks consistency or stability can cause confusion or unpredictable behavior. Relationships often follow an unstable pattern, characterized by conflict and intensity.

These signs may not always indicate BPD, but they can suggest potential challenges in a relationship with someone who has difficulty regulating their emotions. When someone has BPD, their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors can cause long-term problems in their lives and in their intimate connections with others. There are mornings when they feel great, but their mood can decline throughout the day. Fears of rejection or abandonment often cause them to become moody or even have outbursts of anger, which you may find confusing or upsetting. They occasionally exhibit strong urges and impulses, which can lead to significant issues, particularly if you’re seeking a long-term partner with a consistent mood. Their impulsivity may put a person or their partner at risk. It is important to understand that their interactions are not necessarily deliberate or malicious; it is just how this particular personality disorder manifests itself at times. Deciding to become seriously involved with a person with BPD will require a considerable amount of thought and a serious commitment.

Already Involved

“Borderlines create the vicious circles they fear most. They become angry and drive the relationship to the breaking point, then switch to a posture of helplessness and contrition and beg for reconciliation. If both parties are equally enmeshed, chaos and conflict become the soul of the relationship.”–Theodore Millon, American Psychologist (August 18, 1928 – January 29, 2014)

A person with BPD can exhibit traits such as being very caring, compassionate, and affectionate, as well as being highly physical and eager to spend a significant amount of time with their partner. However, they may also experience episodes of dysfunctional behavior and turmoil. They may develop heightened sensitivity to rejection or the perceived or actual possibility of abandonment. Many individuals with this condition may become intensely focused on perceived indications of their partner’s dissatisfaction or potential departure from the relationship. When he or she suspects a change in their partner’s feelings, they may immediately withdraw, becoming angry, obsessive, or feeling wounded over something a person without the condition would not necessarily react to. Individuals with this condition frequently wreak havoc in their social and personal interactions, and they are often skilled manipulators. The following are the most common treatments for BPD:

Therapy

A therapist will teach the person how to respond to situations using reason and appropriate judgement. This can reduce the typical black-and-white thinking many individuals with BPD have.

Medication

At present, medication for BPD is not available. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, and anti-psychotics (which treat types of mental health problems) may help alleviate certain symptoms.

Hospitalisation

If there are signs of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, a doctor may recommend hospitalization for observation and intensive therapy.

Understanding a partner can have a positive effect on these personality types, but it will require a genuine effort by both individuals. Long-term romantic partnerships and marriages are possible for individuals with this Personality Disorder. Treatment cannot usually cure BPD but it can certainly help, along with a partner who recognises the challenges and a counsellor who can assist the individual in finding a degree of stability within their often fluctuating emotional states.

(C) Nigel Beckles

If you missed Part 1 exploring Narcissists and relationships, you can check it out @

Relationships & Personality Disorders: Part 1