“Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important.” – Carl Reiner, Comedian, Actor and Director

We live in an era where a committed relationship can often be very difficult to find and even harder to keep. As a result, many opt for a casual relationship or ‘Friends With Benefits’ (FWB) arrangement where they have recreational sex but little else. The FWB concept has been around for a very long time, but the term has become very popular over the last few decades. The idea is that two adults can agree to ‘no strings attached’ consenting sex without any problems, provided both parties are clear about what they are doing and no one is being misled. The general rules are that both parties agree to have sex without either person becoming emotionally involved or having any expectations for the future. There is a mutual understanding; it’s a sexual agreement for a limited period of time without any consequences, and some people believe this arrangement can even help prepare you for your next serious relationship. A FWB arrangement can be mutually enjoyable, suit your needs for a period of time, and not necessarily be motivated by trying to avoid commitment.

Having sex without any emotional attachments can be a very tempting idea, especially when it’s widely accepted that a good sex session is a great way to relieve stress! In a nutshell, you can have sex with someone at your mutual convenience with no strings attached, have a lot of sexual fun, experiment sexually, and no one gets hurt, so it appears to be a win-win deal! Enjoying sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and sex certainly does not have to be confined within a marriage or committed relationship, with women generally enjoying greater social and financial independence while practising more sexual freedoms than ever before. Many women today have a totally different attitude towards sex compared to previous generations. Less than fifty years ago, a woman would generally make a man prove he was serious about having a relationship before allowing any physical or sexual interaction. It is now widely accepted that things have changed. There has been a significant increase in females having recreational sex, just like many men, and choosing friends with benefits rather than looking for a committed relationship.

Casual Sex: Benefits  

• Having someone available for sex at your mutual convenience

• A chance to experiment sexually and, to some extent, emotionally.

• Having sex with someone you know, like, and trust as opposed to a series of one-night stands.

• Enjoying sex without commitment.

• Indulging in some of the perks of a relationship while remaining officially single

• When the arrangement no longer suits you, it can be quite easy to move on, provided your emotions have not become too involved.

Casual Sex: Risks

Before you decide to enter into a ‘sex with no strings’ agreement, there are a few important points to consider:

• If you have a tendency to be jealous, to strongly associate sex with love, or to become emotionally attached to partners after sharing great sex, FWB is probably not for you.

• Friends with benefits are not necessarily exclusive, and he may be having sex with someone else. Even if exclusivity has been agreed upon, there are no guarantees that he will honour the agreement.

• If you want sex without commitment, recognise that the older you are, the greater the risk of eventually ending up alone.

• FWB sex often confuses the boundaries of male and female friendships; many do not survive after the sexual arrangement comes to an end.

• FWB becomes a serious risk if you are developing romantic feelings.

• You can become unhappy and develop feelings of being used because of a lack of commitment.

• Feeling guilty about having sex outside of an official relationship.

If you are contemplating having casual sex or a FWB arrangement, you have to ask yourself honestly if this is really what you want to do or if you are just considering it because there is nothing else better on offer.

Reality Check!

 “There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do.” – Freya Stark, British Explorer & Travel Writer

I have been involved with several Friends With Benefits and always made it very clear that it was just about sex. Most of the women tried to persuade me to commit to a relationship that was not what I had ‘signed up’ for. This had nothing to do with my sexual prowess (although at the time I did convince myself to believe otherwise!) but with the fact that for the majority of women, having sex is usually a physical and emotional act. I have spoken to many women about their Friend With Benefits experiences, and the vast majority have told me that agreeing to this type of arrangement has often been the most disappointing and unfulfilling ‘relationship’ choice they have ever made. While a man can often have sex without any emotional content, a woman sleeping with a guy who isn’t her ‘official’ partner usually develops feelings for him and begins hoping for something more. Females are generally much more emotional than males, but some women like to deceive themselves into thinking they can handle this type of situation. Others hope this approach will eventually persuade a man to make a commitment. Many men will take whatever is on offer and then leave the arrangement at their convenience. This leaves many women feeling sad and empty, especially if the guy moves on to a successful relationship or marries another woman. There comes a time when you have to face reality and stop believing that your frog is going to turn into a loving prince.

The Science

Oxytocin is more predominate in females associated with trust, sexual arousal and relationship building, it’s sometimes referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical.” Levels also increase when you’re hugging someone and when you’re experiencing an orgasm and is an essential hormone for childbirth and lactation. Oxytocin and testosterone are two hormones that play distinct roles in relationships, particularly in the context of human social and romantic interactions.

Female Hormone Oxytocin in Relationships

Oxytocin is often referred to as the “love hormone” or “bonding hormone” because of its role in forming and strengthening social bonds, especially in intimate relationships. Here are its key roles:

Bonding and Attachment

Oxytocin is released in significant quantities during moments of emotional connection, such as hugging, kissing, or sexual activity. It contributes to feelings of bonding and attachment between individuals, promoting trust and emotional closeness.

Childbirth and Breastfeeding

Oxytocin plays a vital role in childbirth by stimulating uterine contractions. It also facilitates milk ejection during breastfeeding, fostering the maternal-infant bond.

Stress Reduction

Oxytocin has been linked to stress reduction and the body’s ability to manage stress. In the context of relationships, it can help soothe anxiety and promote feelings of security.

Social Recognition

Oxytocin can enhance our ability to recognise and interpret social cues, making it easier for individuals to empathise with each other’s emotions and needs.

Male Hormone Testosterone in Relationships

Testosterone, often associated with male biology, also plays a role in relationships, although its functions can vary between individuals. Here are some key aspects of testosterone in relationships:

Sexual Desire

Testosterone is a major driver of sexual desire and libido in both men and women. It contributes to the initiation of sexual activity and the maintenance of sexual function.

Aggression and Dominance

In some contexts, higher testosterone levels may be associated with more dominant or aggressive behaviour. However, it’s essential to note that this is not universally true, as behaviour is influenced by a complex interplay of factors.

Competitiveness

Testosterone can influence competitive behaviours, which can manifest in various ways in relationships, such as striving for success or demonstrating ambition.

Relationship Satisfaction

The role of testosterone in relationship satisfaction is complex and may vary from person to person. Some studies suggest that moderate testosterone levels are associated with better relationship functioning, including feelings of closeness and emotional connection.

Parenting

Testosterone levels can decrease in men when they become fathers, potentially promoting caregiving and bonding with their children. This decrease may help facilitate the transition to parenthood.

It is important to note that while oxytocin and testosterone play roles in relationship dynamics, they are just one part of a complex picture. A wide range of psychological, social, and environmental factors have an impact on relationships. Hormones can influence behaviour, but they do not determine it. Furthermore, individuals vary in their hormone levels, and these variations can have different effects from one person to another.

“Commitment is inherent in any genuinely loving relationship.” – M. Scott Peck, Psychiatrist and Author (1936-2005)

If you are a woman and agreed to a FWB and now find yourself struggling emotionally with having casual sex with a man who doesn’t love you, accept responsibility for your decision. It’s very unfair to blame your FWB sex buddy; he was just acting like a typical man who found a woman prepared to provide no-strings-attached sex. Perhaps you were naive, misguided, or even desperate to be loved when you agreed to the FWB arrangement, but at this stage, there’s no point in beating yourself up about making a mistake. You thought you could handle it, but now the arrangement is making you feel unfulfilled, uncomfortable, or even very emotionally conflicted. When a person begins to compromise their true relationship desires and expectations, they eventually end up compromising themselves. Denying what you really want in a FWB arrangement is almost guaranteed to end in tears eventually, and it’s usually the woman who ends up crying.

This arrangement often blurs the lines between friendship and a more casual form of romantic involvement, creating a unique dynamic that can offer both benefits and potential challenges. The idea of having a friend with whom you can share physical intimacy without the pressures of a conventional relationship can be appealing, but it also requires clear communication, mutual understanding, and the ability to navigate complex emotions. The majority of women usually prefer sexual activity within a committed, stable relationship. You deserve so much more than just being available for mutually convenient sex, so set your intentions, work on your strategy, and believe that you will find the kind of relationship that you really want.

Book Extract: How to Avoid Making the BIG Relationship Mistakes! © 2015

Available @ Amazon https://shorturl.at/jkmrt

© Nigel Beckles August 2023