“The happy family is a myth for many.” ― Carolyn Spring, Author

A scapegoated adult from a dysfunctional family is an individual who has been unfairly blamed and targeted for the family’s problems and conflicts. They are often made to feel responsible for everything that goes wrong within the family dynamic, even if it is not their fault. The reasons for becoming the scapegoat can vary, but they are commonly due to dynamics such as the need for a family member to bear the burden of the family’s dysfunction, the presence of a controlling parent, or the projection of the family’s unresolved issues onto one individual. The saying: “A fish rots from the head down” refers to a common observation that when there are issues or dysfunction within an organisation, community, or family, those problems often originate from the leadership or those in positions of authority. In the context of a dysfunctional family, this saying implies that the root of the family’s problems often lies with the parents or primary carers, who hold significant influence over the family dynamics. If the parents display dysfunctional behaviours, such as narcissism, emotional abuse, or substance abuse, it can have a very negative cascading effect on the entire family system.

Being the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family can have significant negative effects on an individual’s self-esteem, mental health, and relationships. They may experience feelings of worthlessness, shame, and isolation, as well as a sense of being misunderstood or unfairly treated. The scapegoated adult may struggle to trust others and have difficulty forming healthy relationships due to their experiences of being undermined and devalued within the family. Scapegoating behaviour is always a form of emotional abuse. In a dysfunctional family dynamic, there are often unspoken family rules that contribute to the destructive patterns and dynamics within the family. Common rules include:

Denial and Secrecy

Family members are expected to deny or ignore any problems or dysfunction within the family, and conversations about the parent’s behaviour or the family’s issues are avoided or suppressed.

Enabling the Parent

Family members are expected to enable and support the parent’s behaviour and desires. They are discouraged from questioning or challenging and may be punished or criticised if they do so. Enabling behaviours can include covering up for the parent or making excuses for their behaviour while participating in the manipulation of others.

Prioritising a Parent’s Needs

The needs and desires of the parent(s) take precedence over the needs of other family members. Family members are expected to cater to the parents demands, meet their emotional and physical needs, and provide constant validation and attention. This rule reinforces the narcissist’s sense of entitlement and maintains their control over the family.

Absence of Boundaries

Family members may have their personal boundaries violated, and their individuality and autonomy may be disregarded. They are expected to conform to their parent’s expectations and suppress their own needs and desires.

Scapegoating and Golden Child Dynamics

Dysfunctional families often have a scapegoat and a golden child. The scapegoat is blamed for all the family’s problems and shortcomings, while the golden child is the preferred one who receives special treatment and validation from the parent. These roles are reinforced through unspoken rules that dictate how each family member should interact with and perceive one another.

Emotional Suppression

Expressing emotions that challenge or threaten the parent’s ego is discouraged. Family members learn to suppress their own emotions, needs, and desires to avoid conflict or retaliation from the parent. This rule contributes to an emotionally repressive environment where genuine emotional expression is stifled.

Co-dependency

These families often foster a co-dependent dynamic where family members rely on the parent for validation, guidance, and a sense of identity. They may become enmeshed in their parent’s world and have their own needs and desires subjugated.

These unspoken family rules can vary in intensity and may manifest differently depending on the specific dynamics within each family. It is essential for abused adults to recognise that the family’s dysfunctional dynamics is not their fault and that they have the right to prioritise their well-being and pursue a fulfilling life beyond the confines of the family system. Understanding these rules can encourage individuals affected to seek appropriate support to heal and establish healthy boundaries. Therapy or counselling to process the trauma and emotional wounds from the family dynamic can be beneficial; engaging in self-care practises, such as mindfulness, exercise, and hobbies, can also aid in healing from the emotional impact of being the family scapegoat. Compassionate and understanding friends or support groups can offer validation and a sense of belonging outside of the family context.

© Nigel Beckles, 3rd August 2023